Dear Miriam,

My mother – who is in her late 80s – is still with us thankfully, but her health has not been that great in recent years.

While there is no threat that we are going to lose her any time soon, it’s obviously something that has been playing on her mind, as she recently informed me that when she passes away, she wants to be cremated.

Our father died a few years ago and is buried in a family plot in the local graveyard.

I’d acknowledge that he was not always the easiest man to live with and I’m sure that my mother had her work cut out with him at times. But they had happy times together as well and I think overall, they worked well.

I know that this sounds like a lovely idea; but to me it also feels so lonely

Anyway, she has expressed her wish that when she passes away, she does not want to be buried in the family plot, but instead wants to be cremated and have her ashes scattered at a place that is close to her heart, which she associates with her own childhood, up the country.

I know that this sounds like a lovely idea; but to me it also feels so lonely. I like the idea of having a grave to visit once a loved one has passed away, where you can go to say a prayer or have a “chat” or just feel close to them.

There is something about the thought of scattering my mother’s ashes that would make me feel like I’d be losing her again, in a way.

It’s not that I want to deny my mother her wishes or to be disrespectful

If I am honest, I would also have a fear of local gossip about why my mother was not buried with my father. Like I said, he was not always an easy man to live with, but he certainly was not a bad man either.

It’s not that I want to deny my mother her wishes or to be disrespectful.

But when she has gone on to her eternal reward, it’s those of us left behind who will be grieving and wanting some way to connect with her.

Would you have any advice in terms of helping her to see things from my point of view?

Ann, Munster

Dear Ann,

Thanks for your letter. I actually do understand where you are coming from and why it means so much to you to have a place to “visit” your mother after she passes away, in this case, the family plot.

And while the idea of scattering the ashes is very beautiful, for you, it seems that it would involve another level of “letting go”; literally. And who wants to let go of a loved one?

However, I think that ultimately, the best way of honouring our loved ones is to respect their wishes.

And at the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to; not what the neighbours might think

I’m sure that if your mother has brought this up in conversation, it is something that she has thought long and hard about, and for her own reasons.

And at the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to; not what the neighbours might think. It obviously does not bother your mother, so why let that influence you?

Instead of trying to argue against your mother’s wishes, it might be nice to sit with her and discuss what she wants in an honest and open way; and maybe that will help you find some little way to still keep that physical sense of connection with her after she passes, with her agreement.

Ultimately, I think that our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds no matter where their chosen resting place might b

For instance, even if she wants her ashes scattered at her childhood home, she might be comfortable for you to keep a small portion in your own home place?

Or maybe it’s about thinking of other ways that you could create a special space to remember her eg planting one of her favourite trees or shrubs at home and creating almost a little garden of remembrance, where you will always think of her?

If you look up the Citizens Information website, there is a good overview of what is involved in cremation in an Irish context and that might be useful too.

But ultimately, I think that our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds no matter where their chosen resting place might be. I would concentrate on reassuring your mother that her wishes will be respected; and get back to living in the now. Best of luck.

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