Dear Miriam,

I know you had a letter recently about baptism, but I would appreciate your thoughts on a related matter. My only brother and his wife are expecting their second baby this summer.

When their first baby was born, she asked her sister to be godmother, which I completely understood. I just sort of expected that if they went on to have another child, I would get my opportunity then, as I am the only other aunt.

To be honest, I am shocked and more than a bit hurt

However, I recently found out that she has already asked her best friend to be godmother. To be honest, I am shocked and more than a bit hurt. We have never been the closest (she is not the easiest to get on with) but I never thought that she would snub me in this way. I am also really disappointed that my brother does not appear to have made any “stand” on my behalf as his only sister; though I know that his wife can be very bossy and it often appears to be her way or no way.

I fall between the two of them. I don’t really see the point in creating a song and dance at this stage as the decision has obviously been made

My own mother is raging about it too, and wants to confront my sister-in-law. My father, on the other hand, wants to “keep the peace”. I fall between the two of them. I don’t really see the point in creating a song and dance at this stage as the decision has obviously been made. But I’m not sure that I’m a good enough actress to just grit my teeth, paint on a smile and pretend that it really does not bother me.

What do you think?

Munster reader

Dear Munster reader,

Thank you for your email. I can certainly understand your disappointment at this news. I’m sure you would have seen it as a great honour to be godmother to your new niece/nephew, and it must hurt to learn how that role seems to have gone to somebody else. So the first thing I would do is just acknowledge what you are feeling.

However, while the apparent “snub” does sting, if you are to focus on what is really important here- ie your future relationship with your niece/nephew- how relevant is the role of godparent? While many people enjoy close relationships with their godparents, I bet there are plenty more who have barely seen them since their christening, or maybe their confirmation?

I’m sure that even though you are not godmother to the first baby, it does not mean that you care for or love them any less, and vice versa?

As one of only two aunts, you will still enjoy a special position in the life of your niece/nephew. After all, I’m sure that even though you are not godmother to the first baby, it does not mean that you care for or love them any less, and vice versa? Again, I don’t want to take away from the role of any godparent, but at the end of the day, it’s the life-long relationship one fosters with a child that counts; not standing on a church altar for 20 minutes.

So, should you say something or not? I suppose I would weigh up that decision based on what you feel will be best for your future relationship with the baby.

I don’t think anything positive can come from a blow-up between you; and considering she is heavily pregnant, I would actively discourage any kind of confrontation, to be honest

At the end of the day, your sister-in-law (as challenging as she can be) is the child’s mother and is entitled to her decision, and for her, it’s probably not a deliberate “snub”: she may simply want a friend that she is personally closer to. And you know, that’s OK too.

Either way, I don’t think anything positive can come from a blow-up between you; and considering she is heavily pregnant, I would actively discourage any kind of confrontation, to be honest. If you do feel the need to be heard, the best thing might be to have a private word with your brother about how you feel or to ask any questions that are unresolved, but again, to try to keep things in perspective.

Readers may well have advice on this matter too if they want to get in touch, but my last word would be to acknowledge your feelings; but also look at the bigger picture and focus on all the wonderful experiences you will enjoy your new niece/nephew as a very special auntie.

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