Dear Miriam,

Last year my wife decided that she was going to join the local drama group. She had given up work a few years ago to look after our young family, and said that she needed to do “something for herself” at last. I had no objection to this at the time and indeed encouraged her to go along to audition, when nerves threatened to get the better of her.

What I didn’t realise then was just how much time it was going to take out of our family life, especially now in the run-up to the show.

While she does not have a main part, she seems to be gone nearly every other night of the week. As I’m flat out on the farm at the moment, things have really fallen behind at home and the place is up in a heap.

Maybe there is some other hobby she could try that would not take as much time, or at least would fit better with a quieter time of the year on the farm?

Look, I’m not unreasonable. I read your column from time to time and I understand that my wife has always put the family first and that it’s important that she does something for herself. But the timing is just wrong and I don’t think it’s working for the family, or the farm.

While we will no doubt muddle through to this show, I think we need to seriously consider whether she should stay involved after that.

Maybe there is some other hobby she could try that would not take as much time, or at least would fit better with a quieter time of the year on the farm? Am I wrong to think like this or should I just bite the bullet and bring it up with her?

Munster Farmer

Dear Munster Farmer,

Like they say, there’s no business like show business. I appreciate that your wife’s new passion has created a change in the status quo at home and sometimes change can be hard to cope with.

However, I feel that if this is the first thing that she has done for herself, it’s really important to support that and to find a way to make things work for all involved, rather than ask her to sacrifice it.

I think it’s so important that every person makes time to do something they enjoy for their mental health

You say that perhaps she could find a hobby that would fit in with a quieter time for farming; but when is there ever really a quiet time for most farmers, or for any family with young children for that matter? While things are obviously hectic at the moment in the run-up to the show, it will all calm down again in a few weeks, so in the grand scheme of things, this is a short-term upheaval.

I think it’s so important that every person makes time to do something they enjoy for their mental health, especially when your wife has really been without an outlet of her own for the last number of years, and that these benefits far outweigh a few piles of washing.

So rather than asking her to give it up, I think the most loving and supportive thing would be to ask how you can both pull together to make this work for the whole family.

I know that you are busy too, but for example, could you both put a few hours aside to do a bit of batch cooking to fill the freezer? Are the children old enough to take on a few simple chores? Would there be a few bob to get a cleaner in once a week to keep on top of things for a few weeks? Can someone give you a dig out on the farm a night or two so that you can be in with the kids? Indeed, maybe it’s time to review how housework in general is dealt with in the home?

You might think what I’m suggesting is a bit much – after all, this is just a hobby – but I feel that asking your wife to sacrifice something she loves would only cause resentment and lead to a lot more discontent in the home in the long-term. The cleaning can probably wait; your wife’s sense of fulfilment might not.

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