Dear Miriam,

I read your column every week and while I’m sure this does not sound like a big problem compared with some of the letters that you receive, I would appreciate your advice all the same, if you have the chance to respond to me.

Once or twice a year, the female cousins in our family get together for a night out. We decided a few years ago that we’d make more of an effort to meet after we realised we were only seeing each other at weddings and, more frequently, funerals.

Even though none of us live a million miles away from each other, it’s a good opportunity to catch up and have an enjoyable evening.

My only problem is that when it comes to the end of the meal the bill is always split equally between us. That would be okay if it was just the food, as we usually go for an early bird anyway, but the drinks are also included in this.

I suppose there is also a part of me that is a bit miffed that all my cousins know that I don’t drink

I don’t drink, so it means that I end up subsidising the bottles of wine that flow freely while I might only have a Coke. It’s not that I am “mean”, but since having my children I only work part-time and so I just don’t have as much money as I used to.

I suppose there is also a part of me that is a bit miffed that all my cousins know that I don’t drink (I’ll often give some of them a lift home afterwards) and yet they never seem to consider this fact when it comes to paying the bill.

To date, I have just “sucked it up” and then quietly fumed at home afterwards or ranted away at my husband, which has obviously not gotten me anywhere.

However, there is another night out coming up in a few weeks that I am arranging, so I feel this might be the opportunity to do something about it, but I don’t want to make a big song and dance of it.

What do you think is the best way to go about it?

Sarah, Leinster

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your email. First of all, there is no question ever too small to ask, so don’t worry about that.

I think a lot of people can identify with this predicament; if you ever watched the TV show Friends, there was even a whole episode about it.

Of course splitting the bill makes sense when everybody is eating/drinking the same thing, but when one person is clearly teetotal (and the designated driver to boot), I do think it is a bit unfair that they should carry the extra costs of the wine, which can easily inflate the expense of the night.

I’m sure your cousins don’t mean to saddle you with the extra costs, but it is a little thoughtless on their part.

Just mention that you are going to ask the restaurant that they keep the drinks’ bill separate for ease of payment at the end of the night

Organising the dinner this time does give you a chance to rectify matters, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal.

If you are going for an early bird anyway, I’d just suggest that when you are letting people know the cost of the menu in advance by text/WhatsApp, just mention that you are going to ask the restaurant that they keep the drinks’ bill separate for ease of payment at the end of the night.

You don’t have to get into explaining why; just state it simply and let it be. Those who want to enjoy their wine will still be able to order what they like and you will feel much happier, so everybody wins, and hopefully it will set the standard for future nights out together.

(Plus, I imagine that you are not the only cousin to feel this way, so you might find that people will actually be relieved that somebody has said something.)

I’d say the important thing is not to overthink it. Just keep it short and sweet and get on then with the most important thing: enjoying the night. Hope this helps.

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