Dear Miriam,
I am married to a farmer. We built our home close to his parents’ house so that my husband would not be too far from the yard. I have to say that we get on well. My own family live up the country, and I was very grateful to have my mother-in-law so close when our first baby was born.
When I was returning to work part-time after maternity leave, it was very difficult to find a creche place. Fortunately, my mother-in-law stepped up and said that she would take the baby.
I insisted that we would pay her though, as otherwise it would feel like we were taking advantage. The arrangement has worked out well for both sides and I think it’s lovely that our child gets to spend this time with their grandparents.
So, what’s the problem? Well, the thing is that I have really tried to make sure that my child has a healthy diet. I believe that there will be enough temptation when they are older!
So that means no sweets, chocolate, crisps, sugary drinks at the moment, bar the very odd treat eg a baby-sized ice-cream cone on the odd summer’s day, a little bit of chocolate at Easter etc.
However, my mother-in-law has a much more relaxed approach.
“Oh sure, it’s just a biscuit.”
“Oh, I just gave them a few Taytos as they didn’t eat much of their lunch.”
“Oh, it’s just a small bun, I made it myself, sure.”
And so on.
Miriam, I am a realist. I sort of expected this and was open to the possibility of a treat once a week at granny’s house eg a small packet of chocolate buttons on a Friday. But it seems that my child is getting treats every day!
I know that she does not mean any harm. But I feel like my wishes are being dismissed as if I was just a ‘neurotic’ first-time mother. My husband thinks I need to just relax. But sure, he just doesn’t want to rock the boat.
What do you think I should do?
Linda, Munster
Dear Linda,
Thank you for your email. I don’t think that you are being “neurotic." After all, you are open to your child having a treat at their granny’s once a week, so it’s not as if you are ruling anything out completely.
You have shown a willingness to compromise. So should your mother-in-law.
Sure, she does not mean any harm. But that’s not the point. You are the child’s mother. You are making decisions that you feel are in their best interests.
You can emphasise how grateful you are to your mother-in-law. But just state – kindly, but clearly – that it is really important to you that treats are just given one day a week
I think it would be helpful if your husband could back you on this. I’m not talking about ‘ganging up’ on his mother. But the message might land if it’s seen to be coming from both of you.
Instead of dropping hints, maybe it’s just time for a sit-down chat. You can emphasise how grateful you are to your mother-in-law. But just state – kindly, but clearly – that it is really important to you that treats are just given one day a week.
If she is concerned about the child not eating enough, or if she is struggling with snack ideas, perhaps there are some alternatives that you (and your husband) would be happy to prepare and provide eg fruit skewers or baby-friendly muffins from the weaning cookbooks.
While you are at it though, ask your mother-in-law if there is anything that she would like to discuss. Maybe there are things she would like to get off her chest too. It’s a two-way street.
This issue can be solved with clear communication, compassion and mutual respect. I wish you the best of luck.
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