The novelty stage

You’ve just met. She thinks you’re a darling. Everything you say in the way of farming is just so cute and interesting. She sits across from you during the initial dates while you talk about your day and she’s nodding. She has absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but you’re gorgeous and probably fit and you haven’t talked to anyone all day so you’re enthusiastic. She doesn’t know a Poly from a Friesian, but she’s happy out. Reel her in boys.

The introductory stage

By this stage, or maybe it’s too early, she’s met your parents. In the case that she’s met your mother she’s a keeper, as a city girl getting the nod of approval indoors is not to be taken lightly. Your city girl says she’s dying to see the baby calves and she appears at the farmyard gate with flowery wellies and an enthusiastic grin. “Can I help?” she says. Repress the urge to keel over laughing. She feeds the calves for the first time, but it’s not as easy as you make it look. You’re so dreamy and strong, if she’s still smiling while covered in muck and milk, put a ring on her.

The acculturation stage

So, she offered and she might as well get used to it to, so she helps you move the cows back to fresh grass. “Stand there in that gap and don’t move,” you say, adding “darling” and your heart is in your mouth because this could go any way. She’s too embarrassed to admit she’s terrified of those huge animals and wants to go home. In her early days of standing in gaps, she goes from being terrified to amused, to talking to the cows to getting very used to it –waving her hands and hurrying the cows on like she was born in a field.

The naturalisation stage

You have to walk the cows back the road to the parlour and you ask her nicely to stand on the road, stopping the oncoming cars to let the cows pass. She’s mortified. She imagines herself stopping cars in the city and shudders. Your neighbours seemed to be amused at your new lady with her flowery wellies and embarrassed smile as she smoothes her jumper over her jeans, aware of the row of traffic behind her. She’s now beginning to understand why you fall asleep over your Valentine’s dinner – you never stop. She might even offer to feed the calves on a Sunday morning.

The recording stage

She’s watching Eastenders and she gets the call to drop everything, the heifers are out. She knows better to have it recorded, running to the door, she hops up and down, cursing while putting on the wellies at high speed. She knows how to come around the heifers to bring them into the nearest available field.

Congratulations, you’re married.