Dear Miriam,

I am in my early 60s, married to a kind, gentle farmer. We have three children, two working and one still in college. They all still need a hand-out as the two are not on great pay. The student gets a grant, but found it hard to get summer work. We have a small farm. I work in a busy role on low wages and bad conditions, so I don’t like my job.

My father-in-law gave the farm to my husband with conditions that all his mother’s bills be paid. My mother-in-law is very selfish and she has her pension, and I am not earning much more than the old age pension.

My problem is that I hate sex. I love to cuddle up, and talk, but this to my husband is a real sign I want more, so I am often in bed first to avoid the situation. My husband has erection problems, so he wants to do other things, which I hate. I just want to sleep and be rested for work. It causes a lot of tension between us. I know I could try and switch off and let it happen for 15 minutes every Saturday night but I freeze … I hate it.

I just wonder if any of your readers have the same problem?

Munster Reader

PS Money is also an issue, as we don’t have any after we pay the bills. We never go out, even for the odd meal. So I think trying to make ends meet, my mother-in-law next door, and hating this bedtime routine that my husband wants, is having an effect on my health. I would be so happy if there was no sex and we had a great companionship. I love my husband, but not in that way.

Dear Munster Reader,

Thank you for your letter. This is a problem that people have written in about, time after time, so you are certainly not alone.

Due to the nature of the query, I have been in touch with Eithne Bacuzzi, a psychosexual therapist in Dublin. Firstly, Eithne notes how you describe your husband as “kind and gentle”, and that you love him, even if not “in that way”. The fact that he is a good man and you care for him is positive; though this issue is creating tension between you and needs to be addressed.

Eithne acknowledges the situation with your mother-in-law is stressful, but the deal regarding the farm cannot be reneged on, so we must put that aside. Your work life is also taking its toll, as are the financial pressures. When we are stressed and worn out, life can feel very “flat” and it’s hard to find enthusiasm for anything; least of all sex.

Rather than discuss the issue, however, the current response is avoidance (by going to bed early). That is understandable, especially if you feel even a cuddle will be misinterpreted. Eithne is firm that nobody should ever go through with sex or a sexual act against their wishes. However, if you are feeling upset, it is likely that your husband is confused and unhappy too, creating the tension that will take a toll on your health if you don’t discuss what is going on.

Could you tell your husband that you care for him deeply, but sex is very difficult for you right now, and you would love if you could reconnect without that pressure, perhaps by going for a walk or watching a film? Acknowledge that you know it is hard for him too and let him have his say. Eithne acknowledges that these conversations can be daunting, but suffering in silence is far more detrimental. Bringing things back to basics for now will hopefully take that pressure off you both and remind you of what brought you together in the first place.

It is also important to review other areas of your life: could you change jobs or reconsider handouts to your working children? These are not easy questions, but it seems you feel quite “stuck” at the moment, and making the smallest of changes will help put you back in the driving seat of your own life. Wishing you the best of luck.

*Eithne Bacuzzi is in Dublin. Tel: 087-9029606.

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