Dear Miriam,

My husband has no interest in sex anymore and very little intimate activity, just a quick kiss at bedtime. I got tired of making all the advances and he would say that it is just not that important to him anymore and so it all stopped.

He is 61 and I am late 50s. I am very fit and active, size 10-12, and I keep myself well. I know other men find me attractive and at times I wonder why I am putting up with this when I could be in a much happier relationship. My husband often says how well I look, or if we have been at a function he would say I was the best looking woman there.

He refuses to talk about the problem and just says sex is not important to him anymore when I try to talk about it. I have told him I miss that side of our relationship and it has distanced us in other ways. He is not even very responsive if I cuddle up to him on the couch and I feel it’s as if he’s afraid it would go further.

I don’t know what to do – even if he was affectionate and warm towards me it would help. He works hard and so do I. He’s outgoing and good company and has no health problems. Obviously I know things are not like they were when we first met many years ago and before we had a family, but that’s the same for every couple. Are we one of many couples in the same situation? If so, no wonder so many affairs seem to be going on – I don’t think he is having an affair. Please don’t advise me to go to some marriage counsellor as I feel it is him that’s causing the problem and if he can’t or won’t talk to me about it, he definitely won’t talk to anybody else. If you could give him some advice in your answer and I could show it to him, he may understand what this is doing to our marriage – and to me.

Lonely Wife

Dear Lonely Wife,

Thank you for your letter. Due to the nature of your query, I have been in touch with Sandyford-based psychosexual therapist, Eithne Bacuzzi.

The first point that Eithne notes is that this issue is very common; but that does not make it any less difficult for you. She can sense the sadness in your letter, not just in your desire to feel loved and cherished by your husband, but also to be heard and understood. However, with honest communication on both sides, there is no reason why you can’t overcome this problem together.

Eithne explains that as men get older, the reluctance to engage in sexual activity can often stem from issues with erectile dysfunction. Indeed, one of the first things she recommends is that clients see their GP for a blood test to check if there is any underlying medical reason for their reduced desire. Those who don’t seek help, however, will often withdraw from all intimate activity with their partner rather than risk “the fear of failure”. The problem with that, sadly, is not only can the couple lose their physical connection, but also their emotional one – with catastrophic consequences for the relationship.

It is quite clear you have tried to communicate this but are meeting a brick wall. Eithne recommends explaining again how lonely you feel but, crucially, how you want to work with your husband to find a way through it. While taking this compassionate approach, however, it is important to insist that – if nothing else for now – your husband starts communicating with you, otherwise the relationship is going to suffer. He cannot ignore that.

Eithne adds that many men (and women) think of sexual relations just in terms of intercourse, but there are many other ways to be intimate. You have tried to be affectionate, eg a cuddle on the couch, but your husband seems to pull away in case it goes further. So maybe it is about communicating that you can cuddle or kiss without that pressure or expectation for now, and hopefully work from there.

You say you don’t want to see a counsellor, so Eithne recommends a book called The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld that might prove helpful. But perhaps the main message is that while this is an issue that must be taken seriously, you are certainly not alone, and with communication and commitment you can both work through it.

Eithne Bacuzzi can be contacted regarding her private practice on 087-902-9606. CL