Dear Santa,

I’m a tad late writing to you this Christmas but I hope this letter wings its way to you on time. I’ve no excuse and it’s certainly not because of work as I’ve done the grand total of five days sowing since the harvest.

The weather’s been pretty sh*tty here and if there’s something you can do about it, it would be greatly appreciated. I’d much prefer that to anything you might shove into the big sock hanging on the end of my bed on Christmas Eve.

Soon, you won’t be allowed to put a leash on a dog

I’d say you’d be better to come by boat this year and leave Rudolf and Rosemary at home. Leave the chopper at home as well because it could be mistaken for Larry Goodman’s and be shot down. He’s not very popular here right now.

Anyhow, there’s a vegan fad in Ireland at the moment and they don’t like the idea of you using animals to pull a sleigh. Soon, you won’t be allowed to put a leash on a dog.

Santa, if you’re stuck for a boat, I’ve one I could lend you. But I want it back as I’ll be hitching it up to the plough after Christmas to muck in more wheat. That’ll be for the second time this year. The first sowing failed. Either that or leave a voucher for extra-wide BKT flotation tyres for me above in Agrigear.

Spring beans

Chris in Drummonds was taking orders for spring bean seed last week but rice would be a better bet. Celli, the Filipino lady who looks after my mother, tells me it’s a cinch to grow. Her husband is a farmer who grows rice and peanuts.

I know Celli has written to you, Santa, and please make sure to drop her present in my mother’s house. Last year you left it in the Philippines which was a big mistake. She had to fork out over a €100 to DPD to get it over here, which was more than the wretched thing was worth.

And while you’re at it, Santa, pop your head around the door and say hello to my dear mother. She’s very frail and elderly now and can’t have too many more Christmases left. Besides, it’s her birthday on Christmas Day. Next year, Max will be 30, I’ll be 60 and Mum will be 90. There’ll be a mighty party if we all get there and you could join in.

Greta Thunberg says the world’s weather – not just Ireland’s – is all messed up because of global warming and us adults are to blame but, Santa, I’m not convinced. I’d safely say you’ve seen it all before. Wasn’t it pretty wet in Noah’s time?

Precocious

Matter of fact, I think Greta’s from up your part of the world and I expect you’ll be calling to her. Damned if I know what you’ll give her as she’s pretty well done it all by now and is very precocious, even for a 16-year-old. Maybe a sunbed would be a good idea to get the colour up for the debs later on this year. Though I doubt she’ll pass the Leaving Cert as she’s never in school.

She may get away without it, as it’s likely Trinity College will give her an honorary doctorate next year. Maybe she doesn’t even believe in you anymore…

That’s about it, Santa, but do leave something nice for Mrs P as she puts up with a lot from me.

The girls will be happy with anything from Pandora. And poor Holly won’t attack you this year as she’s gone. Her replacements are very meek in comparison.

A very happy Christmas to you, Gerald.

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