Dear Miriam

I am a farmer’s wife and in my mid-50s. Our children have flown the nest and now have families of their own.

For the last couple of years I’ve become too fond of a younger man who helps out on the farm.

It has developed into a lustful affair. I don’t want it to stop as it’s given me a whole new lease of life.

My husband isn’t aware and doesn’t pay me any attention and hasn’t done so in years. We’re together under the one roof, but in separate rooms so the neighbours don’t talk.

I’m afraid my family will find out and I will have nowhere to live. I don’t love this younger man, but he makes me feel alive.

I do love my husband, but we’re just not in love like we were when we were first married.

I don’t know how to stop, but also don’t want to break up my family.

How could I get my husband to be as passionate as my younger lover?

Desperate farmer’s wife

Dear Desperate farmer’s wife

Thank you very much for your letter.

I can imagine that it was not an easy one to write or to send and I am also sure that there will be readers who will identify with different aspects of it, eg the lonely reality of living together with your husband, yet separately.

This is actually a topic that has come up time and time again in letters to this page.

Due to the nature of your query, however, I have decided to refer it to accredited psychosexual therapist, Eithne Bacuzzi, who is in private practice in Sandyford, Co Dublin.

Eithne is a very experienced therapist in all matters related to relationships, but specialises in psychosexual therapy and working with individuals/couples who are facing challenges like the one that you find yourself in.

Eithne can be contacted for appointments in her private practice on 087-902-9606. This is what she has to say.

“It seems like you are experiencing a ‘life stage’ at the moment, and navigating your way through it is not easy. Your children have left home and the transition to a couple again has left you feeling isolated and alone.

Some people have referred to this time as feeling ‘redundant’. It appears you love your husband, but you both have lost the original connection that bound you together initially.

Pressures of life take over: children, work, and sometimes just survival. We call this a ‘time famine’, during which the relationship loses its priority.

“Communication is always the key. It’s sad to see that the life you now have is not authentic and clearly you are unhappy.

The ingredients of a working relationship are good friendship, emotional closeness, affection and sex.

It is always a work-in-progress. How difficult is it to approach the subject of loneliness and isolation with your husband?

Highlighting how unhappy you are is important. It’s worth a try because, as you say, you love him.

At the moment, you are in a no-win situation. Everyone deserves to be loved, cherished and desired. A three-way dynamic is a recipe for unhappiness.

“Maybe suggesting speaking to a counsellor is the answer. It seems the younger man is a temporary measure to give you the feel-good feeling you need and desire.

Best to endeavour to reconnect with your husband and if that doesn’t work, you do have choices. You need to be brave to take the first step. I wish you good luck.”

Desperate farmer’s wife, I hope that you find this advice from Eithne helpful and that you are encouraged to seek support as you consider your next step.

Take care,


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