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Dear Miriam,
I am married to a farmer, have three teenagers at home and work part time as well. Life is full on and there is very little “me time”. Most of the household work falls to me too, even though I’ve tried to get everybody to do their bit. But to be honest, Miriam, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself around here.
I would love to do something for myself for once. Every year, I look at the night courses advertised locally or training programmes like “Couch to 5k” and think it would be great to be involved in something like that.
There is always a dinner to be cooked, washing to be done, paperwork for the farm etc. This means that I can feel quite resentful at times of other members of the family
However, every year, the opportunity seems to pass me by. There is always a dinner to be cooked, washing to be done, paperwork for the farm etc. This means that I can feel quite resentful at times of other members of the family – my husband included – who have hobbies and interests outside of the home and the farm.
I’d love this to be the year that I did something for myself, but I’m just not sure how to make it happen while keeping all the other balls up in the air. What would you advise?
Farmer’s Wife, Galway
Dear Farmer’s Wife,
Life is certainly full on for you at the moment, with work, farm and family commitments. I’m sure it seems like there are hardly enough hours in the day to get everything done. But to be honest, unless you put yourself first once in a while, nothing is ever going to change, and another year will pass by, and then another...
I don’t think that the 'all or nothing' approach is serving you particularly well at present
It seems to me that you have very high standards of how everything should be done at home, going by your comment that “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself”. I understand what you mean, but to be honest, I don’t think that the “all or nothing” approach is serving you particularly well at present.
I actually wonder how they feel about the fact that you don’t seem to trust them to do quite basic tasks?
I suspect it’s not really going to prepare your teens either for life away from home, if they are used to having all their washing, cooking etc done for them.
I actually wonder how they feel about the fact that you don’t seem to trust them to do quite basic tasks? Why would they even try if they feel like their efforts are not being appreciated; or if they know that it will be done regardless? What about your husband? Of course, they might all be perfectly happy with the status quo – but you are not. And things don’t have to stay this way.
Let’s be realistic. What are you looking for; one or two nights a week out of the home to do something for yourself? OK, so what needs to happen in order to facilitate that? Does somebody else need to make the dinner that evening, put on the wash, take the clothes out of the dryer, do the ironing or tidy up the kitchen? Let’s not over-complicate things. Start with the basics. You could even consider making out a rota so that your three teens (and husband) can alternate the duties as long as your night course lasts.
You might even be pleasantly surprised at how they step up to the plate
Even if things are not done exactly to the level that you would set for yourself, I doubt that the household will fall apart in the two or three hours that you are out and about. You might even be pleasantly surprised at how they step up to the plate, once you are clear about handing over that responsibility. Plus, if the kids – and husband – realise that they are not going to be fed or have their clothes washed that evening, I’d say that their “survival instinct” might just kick in! And maybe it will lead to a much better balance of responsibilities all round in time.
I know you are a wife and a mother, but you don’t have to be a martyr. It will be a lot better for everybody in the family if you take time out for yourself now and again. Go for it.
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