Dear Miriam,

My problem seems so silly when I commit it to paper but I’m new to farming. I married a lovely man some years ago and together we’ve embarked on life in a new home on a suckler farm. It’s been a great adventure and I feel very lucky as I love it, but I can’t help but feel that I’m not cut out for this – the reality of keeping animals often leaves me broken hearted, in particular, when they are brought to the mart.

I know I treat the animals like pets, which frustrates my husband no end and there’s a commercial reality to what we’re doing, but I often lie awake at night fretting when the cattle are outside in bad weather and I can’t bear to think of anything bad happening to them.

My husband is terribly aware of how much I suffer but feels powerless to help. We’ve committed to this venture now and we can’t set up some form of animal petting farm instead just to appease me, but my anxiety about their welfare is becoming more acute and with it, my ability to cope.

Kind regards,

Wicklow Farmer’s Wife

Dear Wicklow Farmer’s Wife,

Thank you for your letter and please don’t feel that your problem is ‘silly’; if something is upsetting for us, then it is important to acknowledge that feeling and to ask for help in order to find a way forward.

In your letter, you acknowledge that there is a “commercial reality” to farming and the fact that you and your husband have already committed to the venture financially etc so it’s not as simple as turning around and setting up a pet farm or diversifying.

So let’s look at where you are and how you can best support yourself in this situation. Most Irish farmers care for their stock and farm as ethically as possible and I imagine that your husband is no different.

For somebody who is new to farming, however, I imagine it is quite natural to find some aspects a challenge, especially if you have become attached to the animals.

What strikes me about your letter though is that these thoughts seem to have become almost all-consuming and over-whelming to the point where you are not able to sleep at night and you are finding it very difficult to cope.

You also mention the impact that it is starting to have on your relationship, but that your husband feels ‘powerless’ to help. I’m sure it must be very difficult for him too to see you in such distress, not knowing how to help.

That’s why I wonder would you consider professional counselling/psychotherapy that you could both attend as a couple to try and work out a solution together?

A professional, accredited counsellor/psychotherapist should give you both the space to voice your concerns in a safe, confidential environment and try to find the best route forward for both of you on the farm; for example, it could be that rather than getting involved in taking care of the young calves, you might prefer another role on the farm, such as administration, or even off-farm.

A counsellor/psychotherapist should also be able to teach you skills such as mindfulness techniques to cope with what you describe as the acute anxiety that you find yourself experiencing and perhaps explore any underlying fears that might be driving it. If you visit www.iahip.org or www.iacp.ie you will find details of therapists in your area.

Again, there is nothing wrong with seeking help for this issue: you seem to me to be a woman of tremendous compassion, but you need to look after yourself too.

I hope this is helpful and wish you the best of luck.

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