Dear Miriam,

A friend of mine lost her mother a few months ago. She had been ill for some time, but the loss hit my friend very hard, as she was living at home with her as her carer as well.

COVID-19 meant I could not attend the funeral and restrictions have made it hard to meet up. I try to keep in touch by calling, texting etc, but to be honest, half the time she does not respond. She knows I’m here for her, but hardly ever initiates contact, which is a little frustrating. What should I do?

Mary, Munster

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your letter. Your friend is very lucky to have such a caring person in her life. My advice would be to maintain that gentle, supportive contact; even if the calls and texts do go unanswered half of the time.

Do not take it personally. Everybody experiences loss differently and it’s still early days for your friend. As well as dealing with grief, she is probably experiencing a loss of routine, sense of purpose etc. So there is a lot going on for her.

While you might feel like you are wasting your time – and I completely understand why – I think it’s important to remember that sending a simple text saying, “Thinking of you” does not cost us much in terms of time or energy; but can mean a great deal to the person who receives it. And even if your friend is not in the form to meet up or chat on the phone right now, there are other ways to connect; whether it’s leaving a bit of home baking on her doorstep or sending a card to mark a significant date.

It does not have to be over-the-top; but I think the main thing is that she knows you are always there for her, whenever she is ready to reach out. It’s also worth noting that the Irish Hospice Foundation have a bereavement helpline to support people who have been recently bereaved (not just by COVID-19) and that this is also open to people who may be concerned about somebody who has lost a loved one. This line is open Mon-Fri from 10am-1pm on 1800-80-70-77.

I hope this is helpful and wish you and your friend the very best.

Readers Write

Dear Miriam,

I would like to respond to “Lonely Farmer” (“Everything I worked so hard for is gone”.)

I went through something similar. I was left to look after children while my wife went to work. That part was agreed by us both. But her work took over life, no time for children or me. I had a bit of a breakdown from anxiety of fear and loneliness.

I knew then I had to get help. I got myself a counsellor. It helps to talk to someone outside and point you in the right direction. My advice to you is get yourself a counsellor. Be proud of what you have done for your children.

Think positively,

Regular Reader

Dear Miriam,

Reading about the farmer that feels there is nothing left in his life as his children moved on; I can identify with him. My wife left me many years ago for another man, taking the children with her.

I was never abusive in the relationship and never laid a hand on any of them. The children were young at the time and are all grown up now and living their own lives. I was there for my children and did all I could for them. They were with me every weekend and we did plenty of things together.

I got a divorce and started to pick up the pieces. I met my partner a few years ago when the children were reared. She has her house and I have mine. We share good times together and go for holidays together, weekends away etc.

But looking back on life, I would do anything for my children, they are my number one.

Munster Reader

(Note: responses have been edited due to space restrictions)

Read more

Everything I worked so hard for is gone

How do I tell my flatmate that I don’t want her sister to quarantine in our home