Dear Miriam,

I recently finished college and was lucky enough to get on to a graduate programme with a firm in Dublin. I was nervous about finding accommodation, but through a friend of a friend, found a flat share with another girl around my own age after her previous flatmate moved out. It’s a nice apartment in a good location for work and we are getting on well so far. There is just one small issue, but I’m not sure how to address it.

When I first moved in, I brought things like washing powder, fabric conditioner, washing up liquid, tinfoil, toilet paper, etc, with me – you know, all the essential stuff. I noticed early on that my new flatmate seemed to be using my “supplies” in our shared kitchen/bathroom, but it really didn’t bother me.

Anyway, the first thing to run low was the toilet paper. I thought she would notice and replace it before it ran out, but nothing seemed to arrive

I just thought when we’d run out, she would replace whatever she had used and we would work it like that, every second go.

Anyway, the first thing to run low was the toilet paper. I thought she would notice and replace it before it ran out, but nothing seemed to arrive. I said nothing – just gave her the benefit of the doubt – and bought more in the shop before it became an issue. Then it happened again. And again. And then the same with other things I had bought for the house. I also suspect that she has started using some of my beauty products, like my shampoo and conditioner, as her bottles are looking pretty empty in the shower.

I’m wary of saying it straight out in case it causes tension between us and makes things awkward

It might sound petty, but all these things add up Miriam. You know yourself how expensive the shopping is when you have to buy a box of washing powder. I’m not “mean” by any means and I would always share whatever I have myself, but this is getting to be ridiculous.

I know I could keep my stuff in my room, but that seems a bit petty too

My problem is that I really don’t know how to address it. I’m wary of saying it straight out in case it causes tension between us and makes things awkward in the apartment (the last thing I want is to have to go looking for a new place to live). I know I could keep my stuff in my room, but that seems a bit petty too; I don’t want to be hiding the toilet paper under the bed. But I can’t really afford to pay for all these things when there are two of us using them.

What would you suggest?

Farmer’s daughter in Dublin

Dear Farmer’s daughter in Dublin,

Oh, the joys of flat sharing. I understand that you feel awkward about raising this issue with your flatmate – nobody wants to fall out over a few rolls of toilet paper – but I agree that all these things add up and it’s only fair that those costs are shared between you. That’s not being petty; it’s acting like a responsible adult.

A softer approach might be to suggest starting a household kitty for shared items

It’s obviously her turn to replace a lot of these items, but I understand that it might be daunting for you to approach her with that sort of a “demand”, even though you would be perfectly within your rights. A softer approach might be to suggest starting a household kitty for shared items, where you each put a certain amount in to a fund to pay for the washing powder, toilet roll, etc.

She can hardly object to that and it might make her more aware of the fact that she needs to pull her weight in this regard (and stop dipping into your shampoo and conditioner while she’s at it).

There is no point sharing your home space with somebody who can’t behave in a reasonable manner

If for whatever reason she doesn’t play ball, then yes, I would probably take to keeping your own supplies in your room; and perhaps keep an eye and ear out for another flat share in time. There is no point sharing your home space with somebody who can’t behave in a reasonable manner. But I can’t really see it coming to that. Best of luck.