Dear Miriam,

My mother is now in her early 80s, and while she still lives independently, she does need a certain amount of support eg being driven to mass, getting the shopping in etc, as well as just having somebody around to check in on her and keep her company.

I have never been a huge fan of my sister-in-law

There are three of us in the family; two of us girls who are married and live between 20 minutes and an hour away and our brother, who inherited the home farm and built a house next door, where he lives with his wife and their two small children.

I have never been a huge fan of my sister-in-law (I think she always thought she was a step above us, to be perfectly frank, as she grew up in town) but what drives me mad is that she does not seem to do anything for my mother, despite living next door.

She will hardly ever ask my brother as she thinks he is too busy on the farm

If mam needs a drive to go to the doctor or wants something done in the house, she calls me or my sister to come running. She will hardly ever ask my brother as she thinks he is too busy on the farm and as a result, it does not seem to occur to him to ever volunteer. However, my sister-in-law gave up work after having the second baby and so is around nearly all of the time. But it seems she is too busy with her pilates and coffee mornings to volunteer to help our mam.

To be honest, my sister and I are just sick of it now and think it’s about time that we said something to her about pulling her weight. At the end of the day, she got a fine site and a farm when she married in; surely she can give back a little too?

What do you think?

Mary, Munster

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your letter. In an ideal world, the care of a loved one would be shared equally amongst the family members; but whoever said we were living in an ideal world? However, I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to focus all of your frustration on your sister-in-law.

Yes, she is living next door and of course it would be great if she would help out as well, but it’s your brother who is the third child here – not his wife.

I think what needs to happen is for all three siblings to sit down and have a calm but honest discussion about your mother’s needs

Also, it seems that your mother is reluctant to call on him as well when she needs help, so that’s really something that needs to change too.

I think what needs to happen is for all three siblings to sit down and have a calm but honest discussion about your mother’s needs and how you can work together to meet them.

If your brother needs support from his wife to fulfil his side of things, they can discuss that between themselves

For example, can you break up the jobs between you and establish some sort of a rota for the regular responsibilities eg the drive to mass, or to do the shopping?

If your brother needs support from his wife to fulfil his side of things, they can discuss that between themselves, but I think this is really something you three need to sort out between yourselves.

You could also explore the possibility of getting some home help if there are needs that all three of you are genuinely hard pushed to fulfil, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

But I suspect that the greatest chance of success will be achieved by coming together; not falling apart

At some stage of course, you will want to involve your mother in the conversation, as she is obviously an independent lady and is more than entitled to be involved in the discussion about her own support system, but I think it would be helpful if the three of you get on the same page first so that you can try to present a united front and let her know that you are all happy to play a part.

But I suspect that the greatest chance of success will be achieved by coming together; not falling apart in a row over your sister-in-law.

I hope this is of some help and that you can find a satisfactory solution.

Read more

They always insist on splitting the bill, even though I don't drink

I don't want my brother-in-law to do up our kitchen