We took Madge McInerney to Kilkenny to get her tattoo done. We felt it would be wise to go where no one would recognise us, or we’d be the talk of the place. In two carloads, we left on our mission and after arriving in the Marble City we went for tay in a cosy little café.

In the course of the tay, we discovered that Madge had made no enquiries as to who might emblazon the serpent tattoo on her neck. She hadn’t even looked up the yellow pages.

As it happened, the girl who was serving us, a Polish girl, had a lovely tattoo around her wrist and when I admired it she pointed to another one on her ankle. I asked her where she got it done.

“Here in Kilkenny,” she said. “A Dutch guy called Jan Van the Needleman.”

“That’s the man,” says I.

The Polish lassie gave us directions to Jan Van’s studio saying we couldn’t miss it, down the end of a narrow street, with a huge motorbike parked outside.

We finished our tay and eventually found the place, thanks to the motorbike. To call it a studio would be to give it a title above its station, ’twas more of a hole in the wall.

I opened the door and a bell tinkled. As the women piled in after me there was hardly room to breathe in the place.

A curtain was pulled back and there stood Jan Van the Needleman in high boots, leather pants, a skimpy black waistcoat and a torso covered in tattoos.

“Can I help you,” he asked

“Are you Jan the tattoo man?” says I.

“Yes,” he said, adding a slight ‘sh’ sound to the S as they do in the Netherlands.

“I have a woman here who wants a snake on her neck.”

“It takes all kinds eh,” says he.

“Indeed it does,” says I lookin’ him up and down.

“Which of you wants the snake on her neck,” he asked.

“Me,” answered Madge.

“What kind of snake you want? cobra, boa constrictor, rattle snake?” he asked.

“I think I’ll go for the cobra,” Madge answered. “Reminds me of queen Cleopatra, a powerful woman and a fairly dangerous lassie.”

“OK, cobra it is Madam, this will take some time so perhaps your friends would like to come back later?”

“Fine,” says Madge.

Lily Mac, May Quirke, Nell Regan, Kitty Kavanagh and myself left Madge in the capable hands of Jan Van the Needleman, but before we left I turned to him and said: “If you hurt her I’ll come back and scrub the tattoos off you with a wire brush.”

“I believe you would Madam,” he said. “Don’t worry about your friend, this will take about an hour and a half.”

We left and while the others pottered around Kilkenny, I retired back to our little cafe with a newspaper.

They all eventually rejoined me, laden down with shopping bags and bursting with tales of bargains.

In the course of comparing purchases, Lily Mac said: “Biddy, I’d swear I saw your Stefan driving past as I stood at a pedestrian crossing at the end of the main street.”

“He’s not ‘my’ Stefan,” says I, “and I don’t know what he’d be doing in Kilkenny. Come on, we’ll go back and get Madge.”

We returned to the tattoo shop and found Jan Van the Needleman and Madge having coffee and chatting like auld mates.

“Well, did you get the job done?” says I.

“I did,” says Madge as she pulled down her collar to reveal the snake.

It was a most beautiful thing. The tail started just at the top of her spine, while its thin body wound its way over her left shoulder until the head, shaped like the cupped palm of a hand, opened on her neck just below her left ear. The head was finished in a rich mixture of deep greens, blues and purples, with shades of blood red. A tongue slithering out of the mouth towards Madge’s earlobe looked menacing, dangerous and almost sensuous. I wanted to get one myself.

“Madge that is beautiful,” said May Quirke.

“I need a cold shower after seein’ it,” says Nell Regan.

“By the way,” says Madge, “you won’t believe who called in here while you were away.”

“Who?” says I.

“Your man, Stefan. He didn’t know who I was and I didn’t say a word. He’s gettin’ a little tattoo done as a Valentine’s surprise for someone we all know. He should be here shortly.”

“Where is he gettin’ it done?” I asked, the question was out of my mouth before I had time to think.

“Let that be a surprise,” says Madge

“OK,” says I, “off with ye. I’ll meet ye at the cafe. I’m waiting here until Stefan comes back and we’ll see who gets the feckin’ surprise.”