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A few weeks ago I was asked to be a panellist on Brendan O’Connor’s The Cutting Edge. To be honest I was a bit scared about accepting as Brendan is quick-witted and I thought I’d make a fool of myself.
However, I agreed and I am so glad I did because nothing could have prepared me for the reaction I received when I spoke about the sudden death of my dad when I was 12 years old.
The day, a Monday, is still so vivid in my mind that I can remember exactly what I was wearing to school. I can smell the loose biscuits I was sent to town to buy and I can see the uncut lawn as people stood about the garden chatting after the funeral. The funeral none of us children were allowed attend.
Life changed for us all that day as it does for everyone when they lose someone they love. Back then the presumption was that children get over things, they are resilient, they forget. But the thing is we don’t, but at least now there is counselling and bereavement support available to youngsters when they are ready for it.
Thank you to the hundreds of people who contacted me after the show. So many said they had grieved in silence and thought they were alone in doing this. Here’s what they had to say. Thank you to all.
I absolutely adored my dad, and like you, when he died I was taken away to a neighbour’s house and brought home when it was all over – and dad was no longer there. I lived with guilt for years that I was not at his funeral and he would think I didn’t love him. I only spoke about this years later to my sister after a few glasses of wine and I am still working through it simply by talking. It does help and I just wanted to thank you for speaking so openly about it. I always felt I was being a bit over-sensitive, but I know now that was not the case. It was a lot to deal with as a child and I feel that children should be given a lot more consideration at times like this.
Bernadette
I just want to say how moved I was by your personal account of the devastation caused by your father’s death when you were 12-years-old. I had just turned 13 when my mother died after a battle with cancer. This was over 46 years ago now and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t shed a tear at the memory of that time and the deep gut-wrenching grief that followed. Your silent tears dripping down on the page resonated deeply with me, as this is my memory of how we coped with our own grief as my mother wasn’t talked about either. This was the way things were then and we all silently grieved on our own and, as you said, our childhood ended. I am so grateful that I and my husband are still in our children’s lives as I think the death of a parent when one is so young leaves an everlasting sadness that only those who have lived through it can understand.
I as well as the whole nation sat in muted silence as we heard you recount the details of your father’s passing. I could feel the silence as they journeyed with you through the trauma of your young life. There was just one difference as far as I was concerned... I was you! I was that 12-year-old girl, eldest of six children, having watched my father die, as he sat down to eat his dinner after a long day’s work.
My father died on a Monday evening. I was sent to the shop for ham and bread and tasked with making the sandwiches. I adored my father and was distraught, though we were not allowed to show our grief.
We had to get on with things. He was hardly ever spoken about. I think we were afraid we would upset my mother if we talked about him, and she was afraid she would upset us. I was allowed to be at the funeral, and the sadness of that day watching my father’s coffin being lowered into the open hole in the graveyard is with me always.
Years later, I and my husband were having a chat and I don’t know how it started out but we came on to the story of the night of my father’s death. For some reason, I went right back to being 12-years-old again and as I told the story I started to sob, just as I had on the night. I was living it all over again for the first time since he died about 30 years previously.
Caught you on The Cutting Edge last night and was very moved by your story about losing your father so early. My dad passed away five years ago at the great age of 93 and as the eldest of eight listening to you, I realised how truly lucky I was to have had him for so long.
I loved your story about getting help in more recent years for the effect your dad’s death had on you.
I have had to get assistance for issues in my own life over the years and I can honestly say I would not be the person I am today without the courage to get that help.
My relationship with my husband and my children has benefited in a way I could never have imagined without that support. I do believe now that asking for help is a sign of courage and not weakness.
Thank you,
Cathy
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