Dear Miriam,

The day I married, it was for worse – married a cranky man. Bad verbal abuse over the years. We were not long married. We were not long married when I found out his true colours.

I got so down on myself I went off my food. It was a dark Ireland in those days, with no transport, no phones, no money – his God is money.

You never forget abuse – it has left a deep mark on me and I will bring it to my grave. When I die, he won’t have me. I feel God let me down.

Thank you,

Bully’s Wife

Dear Bully’s Wife,

Thank you for your letter. I’m sure that many other readers will be able to identify with your story.

Verbal and emotional abuse can leave a deep and long-lasting impact on a person and it is clear that you have been through a lot in your marriage. But in the same breath, I would add that you are also a survivor and that you must give yourself credit for that too.

Often, we don’t realise how strong we are or indeed the power that we possess within ourselves; even when it seems like the other person holds all the cards eg financial control.

I know that living in a difficult marriage can be a very lonely place. I wonder if you have ever considered talking to somebody in confidence about your situation, in terms of getting some emotional support and a safe space to express how you feel?

I think it’s important to note that Women’s Aid supports those who have been subjected to all forms of domestic abuse

Going to see a counsellor could be an option, but even as a first step, would you consider contacting a service like Women’s Aid, who run a 24-hour national freephone helpline on 1800-341-900? I think it’s important to note that Women’s Aid supports those who have been subjected to all forms of domestic abuse; indeed, the Women’s Aid Impact Report in 2017 actually showed that 65% of calls (10,281) were related to emotional abuse. So if it is something that you would feel might be beneficial, I would encourage you gently to consider accessing that service as a first step.

They should also be able to direct you to more local supports in your own area, if that is something you would be interested in, in time. This could perhaps include who to speak to in terms of legal advice if you ever did consider leaving your marriage.

That might all sound very daunting and I would add that I am not trying to push or pressurise you to move in any direction

Your local Citizen’s Advice information centre might also be a good point of contact in this regard too, eg regarding accessing legal aid.

That might all sound very daunting and I would add that I am not trying to push or pressurise you to move in any direction. It’s just that it can be helpful to know that you do have options when you feel “stuck” in a situation.

When we invest time in ourselves, we start to feel better in ourselves and realise that we do actually deserve love and kindness and care

What I would strongly encourage, however, is what is known as “self-care”. This can be as simple as making time every day to get out for a walk, to meet a friend for a cup of tea, to plant a flower bed, to join a choir or a women’s group, to try out a new hobby; basically, anything that involves looking after yourself.

When we invest time in ourselves, we start to feel better in ourselves and realise that we do actually deserve love and kindness and care; but that we can provide that for ourselves in the first instance.

Little steps in this regard can take us a long way in the end, so I would encourage you to see this letter as the start of your journey towards seeking the support and compassion for yourself that you so deserve.

I wish you the very best of luck.

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