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As Maxi Jazz once said, “I Can’t Get No Sleep” (I’m, of course, referring to his infamous Insomnia tune).
I can’t help but wonder, was he referring to calving season? Now, Maxi may not be a dairy farmer but he does, metaphorically speaking, describe what it’s like to be sleep deprived while watching cows calving in the middle of the night. In my sleep-deprived mind, anyway.
These days, if I’ve had a busy night, I tend to transform into one of those self-driving type farmers. You know, like those Google cars – they seem to be moving around fine, but we all know there’s nobody at the wheel.
Honestly, on some of those days I actually spend most of my time rechecking to be sure I’ve done everything properly – like going back to a gap and double-checking it’s closed, or making sure I have closed the valve to the back of the tank; making sure I haven’t let all my milk out.
The poor family get a shell of a Dad (although they do know it’s a good time to ask for things, as I’m like a sick calf – the defences are down).
Future sleep
Luckily, most of that’s behind me now. I’m down to the last few of the old cows. I can almost see a full night’s sleep in my future.
With calving season almost done, I’m ready to switch to breeding mode. It’s an exciting time for our bull “Juan Diego”.
I call him that because he usually only needs one go to get the job done (if you know what I’m saying). He’s a handsome devil; full of energy, but has his sensitive side, too.
It’s basically loads of cows jumping on each other, sniffing and shouting
Breeding season isn’t all bull, though. We also play God when it comes to breeding in the form of artificial insemination. Every year, you get the catalogue with all the ‘hot bulls’ and their stats (like Tinder, but for cows).
There’s always a few funny names and you can guess some of their favorite sports stars from them – Mo Salah seems very popular this year.
Stud panel
Once you figure out your stud panel, you’re given semen in straws. Probably not what the bull had in mind, but it means an operator – or us farmers – can inseminate in our own time.
It’s a tough skill to master. First, you need to get your heat-catching right. It generally means standing in a field – usually three times a day; early morning, afternoon and late evening – to catch what I like to describe as ‘the dancing’ with the cows.
It’s basically loads of cows jumping on each other, sniffing and shouting. Come to think of it, this might be the reason I was never considered a very good dancer.
Once your cow is ready to inseminate, you get her in the crush and get yourself ready. At this point a farmer transforms into a lab technician or scientist.
We slowly pull a straw out of liquid nitrogen, heat the straw to the right temperature and then, carefully - without getting kicked or shat on – get it into the uterus.
That’s the hard part; trying and hoping to find the right spot.
Anyway, don’t mind me. I’m off to listen to more Maxi Jazz. He’s got another tune called, “We Become One”. No need to explain what he’s talking about there.
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