Dear Miriam,

I’m in my mid-teens, I live at home with my sister and both parents and I have great friends in school.

The only problem is my mother. I feel so ungrateful writing this and I’m probably being too harsh on my mother, but I hate her.

Everything she does annoys me

She’s horrible to my dad (who is also her husband) and constantly gives out to him and calls him names.

Everything she does annoys me. Whenever we’re in the same room, or even if I see her, my mood instantly drops.

I’ve seen her physically abuse my dad a few times and she mentally abuses my dad every week.

As soon as I move out I’ll hopefully never see her again

I hate when she tries to talk to me because I want nothing to do with her.

As soon as I move out I’ll hopefully never see her again. I’ve talked to my friends about it and they suggested talking to her and to try rebuild my relationship with her.

I don’t think this advice will work because she’s so difficult to talk to and if I or my dad say anything she disagrees with, she gets extremely angry and I don’t want her to physically hurt me too.

I’m so confused and I have no idea what to do,

Worried Daughter.

Dear Worried Daughter,

Thanks very much for sending in your letter.

To ensure I get you the best advice for this situation, I have spoken to psychologist Lotte Lenaers.

She specialises in child and adolescent counselling, working with MyMind.org. MyMind provides affordable counselling and psychotherapy online or face-to-face in their Dublin, Cork and Limerick centres. For more information call 01-76 680 1060.

Before I share Lotte’s advice for you personally, I would like to point out for your dad or any other men out there dealing with domestic abuse, AnyMan is a support service specifically for men and they offer advice for men dealing with domestic abuse situations. They can be contacted on 01-5543 811.

Lotte says:

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation at home. It sure sounds difficult.

I think it is good that you are reaching out for help.

You might be doing your family a favour as it seems you are all going through a rough time, and asking for outside help might be the first step to a solution.

Since you mentioned it is hard for you to talk to your mam, have you tried talking to your dad about the impact these kinds of fights have on you?

Maybe your sister can join in too?

Often when parents are consumed by their own problems, they are not aware of how difficult their fights can be for the children.

By making your dad aware of how you feel and how scared you are, you might be able to open up a conversation about what to do about the situation. Maybe your sister can join in too?

If talking to your dad doesn’t work, maybe there is another family member, a teacher or neighbour you can talk to?

I really think you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. I am happy to hear you have a good school environment and nice friends, but try and get an adult involved, not just your peers.

If talking to your dad doesn’t work, maybe there is another family member, a teacher or neighbour you can talk to?

Additionally, there are many organisations who can also help you think about how you want to move forward with this situation, such as Jigsaw, Childline and MyMind. I am sure they would take your concerns very seriously.

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