Dear Miriam,

I was a devoted wife and mother to my husband and our large family. I rarely took a day off. I was a cook, cleaner, driver, painter, decorator and an excellent gardener, which has made such a difference to our home. I had a holiday abroad when I was 18 and the next trip abroad I was in my late 40s.

We had a very good marriage, and I dearly loved my husband. He showed signs of addiction very early on in our marriage, and probably before that

I was always there for my in-laws when they came to visit, they enjoyed lovely, home-cooked food. My husband worked hard on the family farm, but he was never left to mind any of our children, not even for a day. No money would pay any childminder now to do what women my age did. Not even a stamp to show for those years.

We had a very good marriage, and I dearly loved my husband. He showed signs of addiction very early on in our marriage, and probably before that.

I was naïve and innocent, but I was gutted when I discovered it. It changed me as a person. I was told that I was volatile if I asked or queried anything. I reacted instead of acted.

I worked hard and as the kids were getting older, I went to college and got myself a qualification.

I worked in many areas, and depended on my older daughters. This would now be the responsibility of the other parent, in new relationships.

People with any kind of addiction have ego, arrogance and they will find the time to feed their addictions

Thankfully I have a good job now, but I work very long hours.

Now that I am not enabling him, he has turned on me, after giving him my life. He is saying terrible things about me to anyone who will listen.

I do wonder what the most important qualities in life are, that define us as a good person. Surely it can’t be down to just being a ‘nice’ man or woman?

People with any kind of addiction have ego, arrogance and they will find the time to feed their addictions.

It’s behaviour that is allowed to get out of control, hours and hours on laptops, or computers. Smart phones are enabling a reckless, selfish behaviour to wreck our homes and society.

My advice to people is; let go. This is not like a medical condition. It will tear you apart.

It’s manipulative and devious, and will turn you against your family and friends. Get a life and do your own thing, instead of trying to fix them.

Thank you,

Co-dependency no more

Dear Co-dependency no more,

Thank you for getting in touch to share your story. I imagine this may have been prompted by a recent letter from another reader asking what steps she might take to start putting herself first after many years of trying to support her husband through addiction.

It is a great credit to you that despite the struggles at home, you have carved out your own life, first by returning to education as a mature student and now in your current job.

I can’t imagine that this was easy, but you are proof that unless we change, nothing changes.

And while it is unfortunate that your husband has not been able to address his own addiction issues, you can at least rest assured that you have done your best for yourself and for your children in challenging circumstances.

You do mention, however, that there has been an emotional backlash from your husband as a result.

While you are obviously a very strong person, I wonder would you consider accessing some support in this regard?

It could be as simple as talking to a good friend that you trust, linking in with a group that supports family/friends of loved ones living with addiction (depending on what addiction your husband is dealing with), seeking the support of a counsellor or even trying something like mindfulness, yoga or self-care, just so you feel that someone “has your back” as you press on with your own life.

You mention that you work long hours, have rarely taken a holiday and have put others first all of your life, so I would also encourage you to consider ways of including some joy or relaxation into your daily life – whether it’s meeting a friend for a coffee, going for a walk in nature, taking a trip to the cinema with your daughters etc. You have achieved so much, but you deserve to enjoy it too. I wish you the best of luck and light on your journey.

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