Dear Miriam,

I wonder if you could give me a bit of advice. I am a single woman in my 40s who loves the outdoors, so when all my friends that I used to go travelling with in my 20s started to meet people and settle down, I started going away on group adventure holidays and most recently, solo trips eg walking a different stage of the Camino every year.

I’ve done my best to be a good friend

I especially enjoy these solo trips as I work in a busy job and help my elderly parents at home on the farm, so I find it good to get away and just have some time and space by myself.

Anyway, the issue is this; a friend of mine recently broke up with her long-term partner (though they never married and don’t have kids). Obviously this has been a big change for her and I’ve done my best to be a good friend. Usually, she would have gone away on sun holidays with her partner, but obviously that is not a runner now. Last week, however, she announced that she was going to join me on the Camino this year!

As much as I love my friend, the Camino is my “time out” every year. Obviously I don’t have exclusive rights to it as a holiday destination, but at least when I’m on my own, I can set my own pace and decide where I’m going to eat, stay etc. If I want company, there are always lots of people to chat to along the road, and if I fancy a “quiet day”, there’s no obligation to talk to anybody at all. I just love the whole freedom of it.

I just want a holiday where I can be a bit selfish

My friend has always been a “pool and spa hotel” holiday-maker and there is nothing wrong with that, but I can’t imagine that she would really enjoy “roughing it” a bit on the Camino. I think I would end up spending a lot of the holiday trying to compromise and “counsel” her, and again, while I know that’s what a friend should do, I just want a holiday where I can be a bit selfish.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings when she is going through a hard time, but I just can’t see this working out. What do you think I should do?

Solo Traveller

Dear Solo Traveller,

Thanks for your email. One of the best things about going away on a holiday is that it is an opportunity to “recharge” and escape reality and responsibility for a little while. You obviously have a busy life between work and the farm and you need your Camino breaks to restore a bit of balance again.

I do empathise with your friend: after many years in a relationship, she must feel a bit lost and is looking towards her pals for support

It is possibly the only week that you get to put your own needs first and there is nothing “selfish” about that.

I do empathise with your friend: after many years in a relationship, she must feel a bit lost and is looking towards her pals for support. Of course, it is important to support our friends in their time of need; but we still need to have boundaries in order to look after ourselves as well. From your email, I feel like your “me time” on the Camino is almost sacrosanct and I don’t think it’s fair to have to sacrifice that if it’s something you don’t feel comfortable with.

But that does not mean that there won’t be other opportunities to travel or spend time together

I think the best policy is just to be straight. Explain to your friend that while you love spending time with her, the Camino is something you have always enjoyed by yourself; almost like going away on a retreat. But that does not mean that there won’t be other opportunities to travel or spend time together. Maybe you can find something that works for you both. For example, if your trek ends in Santiago, what if your friend flew in to meet you there to enjoy a few days, like a city break? It might add another dimension to the trip. Or if you want to keep your Camino experience completely separate, maybe there would be an opportunity to research a trip you would both enjoy for later in the year or even just plan a few days out together locally over the summer?

While it’s important to support our friends, relationships work both ways and you can’t be expected to drop everything now just because she finds herself single again. So think about what you have in common and enjoy doing together and take it from there.

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