Dear Miriam,

I write to you with a heavy heart. When our three children were ready to buy or build their first house, they were all given the option of having a site at home, even if they were working off-farm. My late husband and I were delighted to be able to do this and, of course, having all three close by was a great blessing, especially when the grandkids started to arrive.

Our youngest son got his site when he married and he built a beautiful home. He and his wife are now expecting their first baby. However, a few months ago, he got the option of a big promotion at work, which meant a move to Dublin. After humming and hawing, he decided to give it a go for a few months, and commuted back and forth. However, he has now decided he needs to be in Dublin full time to progress his career and his wife is happy to relocate too as the pay rise is quite substantial and she does not like being on her own from Monday to Friday.

I thought they might rent a place in Dublin and hold on to the house for weekends or to come back to in a few years’ time. At the weekend, however, my son broke the news that he thinks he is going to have to sell the house because there is no way he will be able to pay rent in Dublin long-term and keep up the mortgage payments at home. He said he has looked at every option, but that he really wants to take this opportunity and put the house on the market as soon as possible as with rising prices in Dublin, he feels he can’t afford to wait.

As you can imagine, Miriam, I am heartbroken at this turn of events. When my late husband and I gave over the site, our vision was that our son would be making his life there with his family – not some stranger. While the house is not right beside the farmyard or my home, I still can’t imagine having somebody who is not family there.

I could probably afford to help my son and daughter-in-law with rent in Dublin for a while but, at the end of the day, I can’t stop them selling. But to be honest, Miriam, I’m in shock and I don’t know what to say or do.

Distraught Mother

Dear Distraught Mother,

Thank you for your letter. I can completely understand that this is a shock and why you might want to help your son and daughter-in-law pay the rent in Dublin in order to hold on to the house at home. My gut feeling, however, is that this would be a mistake and put you under far too much pressure. They are adults and need to lead their own lives. This includes taking responsibility for their own decisions – and the financial consequences.

Personally speaking, if I was your son, I would try to wait a few months before selling as life might be very different when the baby arrives and their priorities might change with regards career versus lifestyle. In any event, the sale is not going to happen overnight, and they will probably try to hold out a while for the best price that they can get. More importantly, they need to be responsible in terms of who they sell to with regards proximity to the family farm and your home. So, who knows how things will actually pan out over the coming months?

But as you say yourself, at the end of the day, you can’t stop them selling. And a house is just a house – and little good to anybody if the people within it are not happy. So, while I think you can express your concerns gently, it is also important to respect their decision and to support them emotionally – though not financially – on their move. They will still be able to come home to you at weekends and, in years to come, may well decide to move back and build or buy again. What might not be so easy to recover, however, is a family relationship that has broken down over land or property.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best of luck. CL