Dear Miriam,

You might shed some light on this for me. I recently found out that my wife has been going to a counsellor behind my back. About what, I don’t have a clue, but she reassures me that it’s nothing to do with me or our marriage and not to be worrying, just that she needed to speak with a professional person about some things that had been on her mind for a while.

I thought that after 30 years of marriage and three children, she would feel comfortable talking to me about anything

I asked her, why could she not talk to me about these things? I thought that after 30 years of marriage and three children, she would feel comfortable talking to me about anything. Obviously I was wrong.

I can’t even imagine why she would need to pay a stranger to talk about how she feels.

Surely she knows that anything she needs help with, I would be able to fix, or at the very least, I’d try my best

We have a decent life together, our health, security, the children are all doing well. I would have said that we were very happy. What have I been missing?

Is this normal? Surely she knows that anything she needs help with, I would be able to fix, or at the very least, I’d try my best. I’d appreciate your opinion on it because I just don’t understand what is going on.

West of Ireland Reader

Dear West of Ireland Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. I understand that it might feel confusing to find out that your wife has decided to start seeing a counsellor, especially when you don’t know what for. Obviously you have concerns about what it might be; though please remember that your wife has reassured you that it’s nothing to do with you or the relationship and not to be worrying about things in that sense.

Nobody wants to see a loved one struggle

But even so, I am sure that your overwhelming desire is still to step in and “fix” the problem for her, rather than let a “stranger” do the job. Nobody wants to see a loved one struggle, after all.

However, I think that it is important to understand that sometimes it can be very difficult for people to talk to family or friends – even those closest to them – about things that might be troubling them.

There should be no stigma any more about seeking help from a professional counsellor

And in those cases, it can actually be much easier to talk to somebody who is completely impartial, in a safe and confidential space. There should be no stigma any more about seeking help from a professional counsellor or psychotherapist; in my eyes, it’s the very same as going to the doctor or the dentist. And the fact that your wife is seeing somebody to get help is positive, as the alternative might be suffering in silence.

My advice would be to tell your wife that while you are concerned for her, and want to be there for her in every way possible, that you understand that she might need a different type of help in this instance and that you will respect that. Hopefully, in time, she might find the strength to open up to you and everything will become much clearer.

If your worry for your wife is affecting you on a personal level, you could also consider seeking some support in your own right

But I think it’s important to remember that we can’t “fix” our loved ones, as much as we might try. What we can do, however, is give them the space and support they need to help themselves. That’s the difference.

If your worry for your wife is affecting you on a personal level, you could also consider seeking some support in your own right. For instance, AWARE has a free help line on 1800-804 848 for those aged 18 and over with information about issues relating to their own mood, or that of a loved one.

I hope this is of some help or reassurance and wish you and your wife the very best going forward.

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