Farmer Writes: shiny new machinery a slippery slope

The FTMTA in Punchestown in the early days of November was, to my mind, a good show but no better than that. I wasn’t too buzzed about going but felt it should be supported. After all, it’s only an hour’s drive and I hadn’t a better idea to spend a few hours in November.

However, there were very few small component suppliers’ stands, which are often the most interesting. I’m not really interested in shiny tractors anymore, and so I thought the show was slightly disappointing. But some stands made a big effort while others weren’t too bothered.

However, having said all that, I’ll remember the 2024 November show for some time to come. You see, to my mind, having the show in early November is not a good time, and this will become obvious in a moment.

Anyhow, I was hardly in the tent door and saw the Orangeworks stand. I knew I would be tempted and I’m not good with temptation.

It’s the new INEOS Quartermaster pickup. Some of you may be familiar with the British-designed but French-built INEOS range of 4X4s which resemble the old Land Rover Defender that ceased production in 2016.

Gorgeous

They’re not exactly pretty and neither are they everybody’s cup of tea, but as an (old type) Defender diehard, methinks they’re drop dead gorgeous.

I mean, what’s not to like with a big 240bhp BMW three litre straight six up front, Brembo brakes, Carraro axles, no electric motor and twin pipes out the back?

I’d previously driven the five-seater Grenadier and loved it so much the owner had to prise me out with a tyre lever. But the steering’s a bit archaic and more akin to a steam traction engine.

But the workhorse Quartermaster hits the spot for me with the usefulness of a pickup. This is no poseur wagon like a lot of 4X4s today, where going off-road means just parking on the footpath.

I just had to look at it. No, more than that. I had to sit in it, I had to lie underneath it, I had to lift the bonnet. Absolutely smitten.

Just maybe… OK, just maybe by trading the Toyota Hilux (with delight as I dislike it) and selling my soul to a finance house, I’d raise enough to buy one. I’d obviously do this for a tractor and combine but a new jeep? A bit dodgy – but at least it’s not something absolutely crazy.

Besides I’m now well into the last quarter of my life and I don’t think Quartermasters will feature after that. Angels and heavenly stuff like that,yes, but no macho pickup trucks. A new one now should see me out – after all our Defender is 2006.

I was on cloud nine. And then reality hit and I tumbled to earth. My phone had bleeped with an email – the tax deadline was the following evening, the dreaded 13 November. It was my accountant.

Good job I was sitting on a tyre because I nearly died with fright. Only two minutes beforehand, I had 20 more years of living to do.

And then panic – what on earth was I doing here amongst all this shiny new machinery? It was like slipping into a brothel on the way home from marriage guidance. I had to get the hell out of Punchestown and fast.

Suffice it to say that dreams of a INEOS Quartermaster disappeared on the way home. Good job there wasn’t a big ‘Sold to Gerald Potterton’ plastered across the windscreen – Revenue might have come back for more. And best move the FTMTA show back to its traditional time in February. Then we might get some peace.