Christmas can be an emotionally charged and intense time, whether you’re bereaved or not, says Breffni McGuinness of the Irish Hospice Foundation. “A lot of the advertising in the lead up to it is about people being together. When you’re bereaved, all that can accentuate the absence in your life. We all become more aware of gaps – of people no longer there or things that have happened or not happened, as the case may be.”
If it’s the first Christmas since you’ve lost a loved one, it can be particularly difficult, he says. “You know it’s coming and that it’s going to be different this year, and it can all seem a bit overwhelming.”
Remembering that Christmas Day is only one day and putting some kind of structure in place for the holiday period is important, he believes. Here are some of the Irish Hospice Foundation suggestions that may help over the coming weeks:
THINK AHEAD
Have a bit of a plan. Ask yourself: How can I help myself through this? “For some, this might be being with somebody for a while on Christmas Day, but keeping the option open of leaving if they want to. Give yourself an out. Say: ‘Don’t be offended, but I may just want to be on my own at some point.’”
TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS EARLY
Talk about Christmas with your family early. Say: Yes, it’s going to be tough at times, but there will be good moments as well. “You may want to visit the grave, or you might like to do the Christmas dinner the way it was done last year.”
DO WHAT IS HELPFUL FOR YOU
Do this rather than what other people might want for you. “When you get an invitation – and be open to invitations – thank the person and say: ‘Let me think about that and get back to you.’ Only commit to things you feel might be good for you. We encourage people to be a little bit selfish in terms of looking after themselves,” he says.
DO THINGS THAT GIVE YOU NOURISHMENT
Around Christmas dinner, you may want to remember the person who has died and mark their passing in some way.
“This might be by having a toast to the person who died or lighting a candle, saying: ‘We remember X.’ You also might want to do something like go for a walk on Christmas Day, but it would be important to pick the person you want to go with you – someone who allows you to be the way you are.”
ASK PEOPLE FOR SUPPORT AND ACCEPT OFFERS OF HELP
Sometimes when we’re bereaved, we don’t feel like asking for help or accepting offers of help. “When you do ask for or accept help, you’re taking back a bit of control over the situation, though. If someone says they’ll do part of the dinner – great – say yes.”
HAVE SOME THINGS PLANNED
It is a long holiday season. Have some things pencilled in. “Maybe a hike, a walk, have friends over, going away for a day… Think of what could help you.”
KEEP IT SIMPLE – DON’T TAKE ON
EXTRA STUFF
Some people think they have to keep Christmas the way it was before, but the reality is that it has changed. “When people are bereaved, they don’t have as much energy. Try to keep plans simple and not take on too much.”
START NEW TRADITIONS
It sounds odd, but although a lot has ended and a person is no longer there, there is an opportunity to start new traditions. “An example could be going to relatives on Stephen’s Day instead of them coming to you. Starting new traditions can help people work through and manage their grief.”
TALK ABOUT THE PERSON IF YOU WANT TO
Depending on circumstances, the bereaved person may or may not be comfortable talking about the person who has died.
“There are different styles of grieving: instrumental and intuitive. Some people are more comfortable about talking about the person who has died and some prefer not to.
“Men often have the more instrumental style of grieving. This is a style where the person focuses grieving energies into doing things, because that’s the way they cope.
“The more common one is intuitive, where the person wants and needs to talk to others about their emotions. It is associated more with women, but we’re all probably a mixture of both.”
how to SUPPORT SOMEONE
WHO IS BEREAVED
Ask the person what would help. Ask “How can I support you?” Offer a few choices of ways you might help and ask them to think about it and get back to you.
“Often we feel uncomfortable if we’re supporting,” Breffni McGuinness adds.
“Most people are compassionate, but sometimes another person’s loss brings us in touch with our own mortality – if her husband can die so can mine – and that can make us feel a bit uncomfortable.
“Generally, death is an awkward topic for people. If you’re not sure, ask what would help the bereaved person. Offer options, for example, could you cook a bit of dinner for them, do some shopping, call for a coffee, go to the cinema? Maybe they don’t want to talk about the loss at all.”
IF YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN
If your spouse has died and you have children, include them in the talk about Christmas.
“Consult with them about what they want; for instance, they may want to put the tree up. It’s okay to say: ‘I’m not looking forward to this either, but we’ll get through it together.’
“Allow for sadness and for things that might be a balance to that: a film you might want to watch, people you might want to see.” CL
>> Christmas bereavement
CHRISTMAS THOUGHT
This Christmas, the Irish Hospice Foundation suggests that we all do two things to make life better for others:
1. Check in with one person that’s bereaved. Ring or call in, asking how they are. 2. Visit one person in a nursing home over Christmas. Both these actions can mean a lot.EMBRACE’S BRIAN ROHAN:
Brian Rohan’s father, Liam, died in a farm accident on 19 June 2012. Christmases have been difficult for the Rohan family since.
“I wouldn’t have been a big fan of Christmas anyway. It’s a busy time when you’re in winter milk,” Brian says. “After a bereavement it’s very hard. The first Christmas the emptiness in the house was terrible, and they haven’t got much easier. A little bit maybe, because we’ve three children here now, thankfully, but unfortunately they know nothing about their grandad. He died a few days after our eldest was born.
“Dad was a big man in the community, and on Christmas Day he’d have been giving out communion in the church and going round to those who were sick and so on. We know Christmas is coming, and we all know he’s not going to be there.
“We’d usually visit the grave on Christmas Day, but I feel like Dad is with us on the farm every day. More things have gone right for us than have ever gone right before. The first cow that calved that year – 2012 – before her time, had triplets, all by herself, no problem. She’d scanned with twins. We had a calf per cow that year – something that doesn’t always happen.
“In relation to Christmas, it goes on too long. It used to start on 8 December, now it’s October. For people who are bereaved, it’s a case of the sooner it’s over the better, I think, because it can bring up a lot of feelings.”
Embrace, set up by Brian and his wife, Norma, holds a memorial service each June for families bereaved through farm accident. See www.embracefarm.com for more information.
Christmas can be an emotionally charged and intense time, whether you’re bereaved or not, says Breffni McGuinness of the Irish Hospice Foundation. “A lot of the advertising in the lead up to it is about people being together. When you’re bereaved, all that can accentuate the absence in your life. We all become more aware of gaps – of people no longer there or things that have happened or not happened, as the case may be.”
If it’s the first Christmas since you’ve lost a loved one, it can be particularly difficult, he says. “You know it’s coming and that it’s going to be different this year, and it can all seem a bit overwhelming.”
Remembering that Christmas Day is only one day and putting some kind of structure in place for the holiday period is important, he believes. Here are some of the Irish Hospice Foundation suggestions that may help over the coming weeks:
THINK AHEAD
Have a bit of a plan. Ask yourself: How can I help myself through this? “For some, this might be being with somebody for a while on Christmas Day, but keeping the option open of leaving if they want to. Give yourself an out. Say: ‘Don’t be offended, but I may just want to be on my own at some point.’”
TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS EARLY
Talk about Christmas with your family early. Say: Yes, it’s going to be tough at times, but there will be good moments as well. “You may want to visit the grave, or you might like to do the Christmas dinner the way it was done last year.”
DO WHAT IS HELPFUL FOR YOU
Do this rather than what other people might want for you. “When you get an invitation – and be open to invitations – thank the person and say: ‘Let me think about that and get back to you.’ Only commit to things you feel might be good for you. We encourage people to be a little bit selfish in terms of looking after themselves,” he says.
DO THINGS THAT GIVE YOU NOURISHMENT
Around Christmas dinner, you may want to remember the person who has died and mark their passing in some way.
“This might be by having a toast to the person who died or lighting a candle, saying: ‘We remember X.’ You also might want to do something like go for a walk on Christmas Day, but it would be important to pick the person you want to go with you – someone who allows you to be the way you are.”
ASK PEOPLE FOR SUPPORT AND ACCEPT OFFERS OF HELP
Sometimes when we’re bereaved, we don’t feel like asking for help or accepting offers of help. “When you do ask for or accept help, you’re taking back a bit of control over the situation, though. If someone says they’ll do part of the dinner – great – say yes.”
HAVE SOME THINGS PLANNED
It is a long holiday season. Have some things pencilled in. “Maybe a hike, a walk, have friends over, going away for a day… Think of what could help you.”
KEEP IT SIMPLE – DON’T TAKE ON
EXTRA STUFF
Some people think they have to keep Christmas the way it was before, but the reality is that it has changed. “When people are bereaved, they don’t have as much energy. Try to keep plans simple and not take on too much.”
START NEW TRADITIONS
It sounds odd, but although a lot has ended and a person is no longer there, there is an opportunity to start new traditions. “An example could be going to relatives on Stephen’s Day instead of them coming to you. Starting new traditions can help people work through and manage their grief.”
TALK ABOUT THE PERSON IF YOU WANT TO
Depending on circumstances, the bereaved person may or may not be comfortable talking about the person who has died.
“There are different styles of grieving: instrumental and intuitive. Some people are more comfortable about talking about the person who has died and some prefer not to.
“Men often have the more instrumental style of grieving. This is a style where the person focuses grieving energies into doing things, because that’s the way they cope.
“The more common one is intuitive, where the person wants and needs to talk to others about their emotions. It is associated more with women, but we’re all probably a mixture of both.”
how to SUPPORT SOMEONE
WHO IS BEREAVED
Ask the person what would help. Ask “How can I support you?” Offer a few choices of ways you might help and ask them to think about it and get back to you.
“Often we feel uncomfortable if we’re supporting,” Breffni McGuinness adds.
“Most people are compassionate, but sometimes another person’s loss brings us in touch with our own mortality – if her husband can die so can mine – and that can make us feel a bit uncomfortable.
“Generally, death is an awkward topic for people. If you’re not sure, ask what would help the bereaved person. Offer options, for example, could you cook a bit of dinner for them, do some shopping, call for a coffee, go to the cinema? Maybe they don’t want to talk about the loss at all.”
IF YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN
If your spouse has died and you have children, include them in the talk about Christmas.
“Consult with them about what they want; for instance, they may want to put the tree up. It’s okay to say: ‘I’m not looking forward to this either, but we’ll get through it together.’
“Allow for sadness and for things that might be a balance to that: a film you might want to watch, people you might want to see.” CL
>> Christmas bereavement
CHRISTMAS THOUGHT
This Christmas, the Irish Hospice Foundation suggests that we all do two things to make life better for others:
1. Check in with one person that’s bereaved. Ring or call in, asking how they are. 2. Visit one person in a nursing home over Christmas. Both these actions can mean a lot.EMBRACE’S BRIAN ROHAN:
Brian Rohan’s father, Liam, died in a farm accident on 19 June 2012. Christmases have been difficult for the Rohan family since.
“I wouldn’t have been a big fan of Christmas anyway. It’s a busy time when you’re in winter milk,” Brian says. “After a bereavement it’s very hard. The first Christmas the emptiness in the house was terrible, and they haven’t got much easier. A little bit maybe, because we’ve three children here now, thankfully, but unfortunately they know nothing about their grandad. He died a few days after our eldest was born.
“Dad was a big man in the community, and on Christmas Day he’d have been giving out communion in the church and going round to those who were sick and so on. We know Christmas is coming, and we all know he’s not going to be there.
“We’d usually visit the grave on Christmas Day, but I feel like Dad is with us on the farm every day. More things have gone right for us than have ever gone right before. The first cow that calved that year – 2012 – before her time, had triplets, all by herself, no problem. She’d scanned with twins. We had a calf per cow that year – something that doesn’t always happen.
“In relation to Christmas, it goes on too long. It used to start on 8 December, now it’s October. For people who are bereaved, it’s a case of the sooner it’s over the better, I think, because it can bring up a lot of feelings.”
Embrace, set up by Brian and his wife, Norma, holds a memorial service each June for families bereaved through farm accident. See www.embracefarm.com for more information.
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