Dear Miriam,

I am in my mid 20s and from a farm background, but currently living and working in Dublin. It will come as no surprise to you when I say that living in the city is expensive, but I am lucky to be sharing a two-bedroom flat with a friend from college for the last few years, which is close to my job and reasonable rent wise; by Dublin standards anyway.

The reason I write is this. About six months ago, my friend/flat-mate met a lad and fell head over heels. While I am single myself, I was very happy for her, as she wanted to be in a relationship for quite some time.

Naturally in the early days, they wanted to spend as much time together as possible, so the boyfriend ended up spending a lot of evenings/nights in our flat, as he still lives at home with his parents. He is a nice guy and I didn’t worry too much about it in the beginning, as I thought things would settle down after a while. However, I will admit that I did feel like a bit of a third wheel eating dinner or watching TV with the two of them snuggling up on the couch opposite me.

Anyway, last week my friend said she wanted to chat and said that as her boyfriend was already spending so much time in our flat, it might make sense for him to move in altogether. She added that as he would be paying rent and bills, it could be a win-win for me too. She asked me to have a think about it over Christmas and to let her know my decision in the new year.

To be honest Miriam, I’m really torn. Obviously it would be great to have cheaper rent and bills, and he stays over a lot anyway, but at the same time I feel like I might be a little out-numbered living with a couple, even though they are both very nice. Also, if things turn sour, it might mean I have to leave and it is so hard to find anything affordable these days, so I really want to avoid that situation.

Have you any suggestions as to what I should say/do? I’d appreciate an impartial opinion on it.

Michelle, Leinster

Last week my friend said she wanted to chat and said that as her boyfriend was already spending so much time in our flat, it might make sense for him to move in altogether

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for your letter. I do sympathise with the situation you find yourself in. Reading your letter, it seems that you have been a very good friend and flatmate by facilitating the romance so far… even if it means that you can’t watch the soaps in peace. (And I think we would all feel your pain in that regard.)

Obviously there are pros and cons to either situation. To be honest, I think that as you entered into the flat share with your friend alone, it is completely reasonable to want to keep it to just the two of you and if she really wants to share with her boyfriend, perhaps she should look at getting her own flat with him. So if you are genuinely uncomfortable at the prospect of sharing with a couple, I think you are within your rights to say no.

Of course, I also understand that it is not as simple as that and that you don’t want to risk a fallout. So here is a suggestion; could you maybe look at trying it on a trial business for three months and review the situation then? By that stage, you would both have a good idea of the realities of living together, whether the cost savings are worth it, etc. So if this is something that you would be open to trying, why not suggest it, but agree in advance that if it is not working for you for whatever reason, that you can go back to the old arrangement.

Hope that suggestion is of some help and wishing you the best of luck with your living arrangements.

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