Dear Miriam,

I am a man in my 50s and I’m married to a fantastic woman for over 25 years. We are very happy and have the family almost reared.

The thing is, when I was about 18, I was going out with a very nice girl. I fell heavy for her and we had the best part of a great year together. It was the year of our Leaving Cert and after the summer I went to ag college and she went to university. While away, she tired of me and, for her, things just fizzled out. I was punching above my weight anyway, and I still am as my wife is not only fantastic but beautiful also and most men envy me.

The only thing is that, every so often, the treasured memories of that year come flooding back and I feel a mixture of happy, sad, lonely and guilty because I have such a good wife. I have not seen that girl in 35 years and have no idea where or what she is at now. I was wondering does anybody else get these feelings for long-ago girlfriends, as there is no way I could say anything to anyone and certainly not to my wife in case it upset her.

I would like to meet that old girlfriend again and see how her life turned out and meet her husband and maybe we could all become friends, but this will probably never happen. She probably wouldn’t even remember me now, but after so long I remember her well and always will. Is this normal for an old fellow like me? I don’t feel this way all the time but, occasionally, especially at this time of year, it all comes back to me. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

Harry

Dear Harry,

Thank you for your letter. I think that when we remember girlfriends/boyfriends from long ago, it’s not just our old feelings for them that can resurface, but also the nostalgia for a time in our lives when we were young, carefree etc. So, while I don’t think that reflecting fondly on the past is unusual at all, it might be worth speaking with somebody to help process the more difficult feelings you are experiencing, eg the loneliness and sadness.

I suspect that as this girl ended the relationship, there might have been some unresolved feelings that stayed with you from that time. There also seems to be a sense of low self-confidence that lingers to today, despite the happy family life you have built with your wife.

I certainly understand why you would be curious to meet her again, but I’m not sure what would be gained after all these years. I think it might be better to focus on the very real love you and your wife share and your plans for the future together as the children leave the nest.

But just to reiterate, I think that what you are experiencing is very human and natural; but if it is impacting on you, it would be a good idea to talk to a counsellor to process and make peace with these feelings and move forward. Take care of yourself.

A Reader Writes

Dear Miriam,

Regarding the recent letter (“Father will be 80”) I thought I might drop a line to help out. My mum was recently 80. She actually lives in the UK but is Irish-born.

We, too, were unsure how to mark the occasion. Mum is quite immobile now, but very young at heart. Me and my few siblings opted for an afternoon tea in a very nice hotel in the county not far from her home. We returned home in the early evening and invited her few neighbours in for drinks and nibbles. They helped us celebrate – we did the cake and popped a bottle.

Mum enjoyed the whole thing very much, as did the rest of us. All low key, not too much fuss, but a night to remember.

That said, we did the big surprise birthday bash when she was 60. We organised for several months – there were so many more of her friends alive then than now, 20 years later! So a much better time then in many ways.

So at 80, yes we need something to mark the occasion and have it to remember, and I agree with you Miriam – think about what dad wants too!

Hope this helps,

Connacht Reader

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