Dear Miriam,

I never thought I would be writing to you, but here goes. Having dated a farmer for the last two years, I finally made the move from Dublin to Cork a few months ago after finding a job in the area. Having had a long(ish) distance romance for most of our relationship, I was really looking forward to moving in together and taking things to the next stage. What I never expected, however, was the loneliness that I would feel.

While my boyfriend is kind and loving, he has been very busy on the farm with the challenging weather we have had and so I have ended up spending a lot of time on my own. As a very independent person, I would never have “relied” on a man before, especially as I always had a large circle of friends to call on, family etc.

However, while his sister lives nearby and I have met the girlfriends/wives of his friends, there is nobody that I feel comfortable to text to go for a walk with or a cup of coffee or the cinema. I suppose I feel that they all have their own lives and I don’t want to impose, even though they have all been nice to me. I have also met some nice people in work too, but, again, they are more professional relationships than personal.

With social media etc, I can keep in touch with my old friends and I still get up home regularly, but it is not the same. I am in my mid-30s and I suppose I feel I am a bit long in the tooth to start over at meeting new friends, seeing as that is something that usually happens in school, college, your first job etc.

In many ways, I know I am lucky: I have met a wonderful man, was able to find a good job and should be looking forward to the future, hopefully marrying and starting a family someday. But I still feel really lonely.

What advice do you have for somebody in this situation?

Country Newbie

Dear Country Newbie,

Thanks for your letter. The first thing I would say is that you have made several big changes in your life in recent months; moving counties, homes, jobs and, of course, starting a new chapter in your relationship. But while all of these things are very exciting, it has also meant a lot of upheaval and it will take time to adjust. So the first thing I would say is to be gentle on yourself and to accept that it is only natural to experience these feelings as you find your way.

If you have not done so already, I would speak to your boyfriend about how lonely you feel. I know it has been a difficult time on the farm, but it is also a challenging time for you and your relationship, so you need to be honest and figure a way to make this work; whether that means looking at how work is managed to free up some more time, getting a bit of help in or finding things you could both do together on the farm so that you feel more involved. If you are planning a family in the future, it is really important that you figure out how this is all going to work and put your heads together to find a solution that suits both of you.

With regards to forming new friendships, in my experience, fortune favours the brave. Is there a sport/hobby you would like to take up that would also be sociable, and if so, is there a group nearby you could join? Or would you consider inviting some of the women you have met to your home for some nibbles and a drink one night, or start something like a book club? I know that might all sound like hard work, but if you really want to build a future here, it is important that you start to put the foundation in now.

I’m sure many other readers have had similar experiences, so if anybody would like to write in with their tips, I would be happy to share them.

In the meantime, remember that it is still early days but by speaking to your boyfriend and reaching out, you don’t have to go it alone.

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