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Dear Miriam,
My problem is that my husband has a female friend. He is 66, she is mid-50s. We have a farm and are quite comfortable.
His female friend works in Dublin and now every Sunday he goes to see her, takes her out for a drive and a meal. We live one hour from Dublin.
I have begged him to stop but he won’t. He said she is a good friend. Some of her family are coming soon from Poland and my husband said he will be staying in Dublin while her family are here for four days to show them around the west of Ireland. I am at my wits’ end now – no amount of talking will change his mind. Yesterday I started looking for houses to rent. I feel that’s the only option I have.
Worried Wife,
Dear Worried Wife,
I am sorry to hear that you are in such distress over this situation. While your husband maintains that this lady is just a good friend and, in general, there is nothing wrong with platonic relationships between the sexes, it’s clear this is having a negative impact on your marriage and your well-being, especially as your concerns appear to be falling on deaf ears.
A phrase I often repeat here is that we can’t control how another person behaves, only how we respond to their behaviour. If your husband is determined to keep seeing this woman despite your clearly expressed feelings – and “no amount of talking will change his mind”– I would encourage you to invest your time and energy into thinking about what you want for yourself.
For instance, if you are to continue in this relationship, what are you willing/unwilling to accept to feel loved, respected, secure etc? It might help to write this down so you have a very clear idea of your own boundaries, wants and needs to inform your next step.
I would also encourage you to practice self-care, as I can imagine how easy it is for this situation to become overwhelming. Self-care literally means doing the things that nourish and support you; whether it’s meeting a friend for a coffee, getting fresh air, spending time with loved ones etc. It could also include speaking with a counsellor to process everything that is going on around you and to give you the tools to rebuild your confidence and decide what’s right for you.
Looking at the last line in your letter, it appears you are thinking of leaving the family home and, I assume, the marriage, as you feel this is your “only option”. While this might be the right choice for you ultimately, before you make a move, I would strongly encourage you to seek legal advice so that you are fully informed on all of your options, particularly when it comes to practicalities like your rights regarding finances, the family home, farm etc if you are to separate. If you don’t have access to a solicitor at this time, you could visit your local Citizen’s Information Centre (www.citizensinformation.ie ), which should guide you on accessing basic, confidential legal advice for free through FLAC legal clinics (www.flac.ie)
Showing you are willing and able to put yourself first may prove a wake-up call to your husband that something needs to change if your relationship is to survive. But regardless, it is the right thing to do for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
Advice to a “country newbie”
Hi Miriam,
Regarding the letter from “Country Newbie”, I hope I can offer some advice from my point of view. Firstly, it’s great this lady has met and formed a relationship with her partner and I hope it continues to be great for her.
She says that friendships are formed at school and in your first job. I think different friends enter your life at different stages, all according to the life that you are leading at that time. Some stay and become lifelong, but others move on and even sometimes completely lose contact, but hopefully they leave you with great memories.
Making new friends means making the first move if you have to, but also be open to offers from people. You will find that you soon bond with someone that maybe in your city life you may not have found anything in common with.
Also with social media, be very careful you don’t stay more interested in the life of people that you socialised with in Dublin. It’s the easiest way to start resenting things.
You say about starting a new hobby and I know farming is a job that can take up a lot of time, but to feel more involved is important, so see what you can do around the farm as well.
Regards,
Jane
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