Dear Miriam,

I moved to the country a few years ago with my husband who always wanted to return to his home village, despite having been discriminated against by his own family for being the younger of two brothers who wanted to farm.

Of course the older brother was given his choice and got the farm, business and even the family home house and other properties that were part of the farm estate. I sometimes struggle to understand why he still wanted to return after the way they treated him.

It is so alien to me as I come from a very close and loving family

I just feel so disheartened with his family who only have interest in the older brother, his family and of course the farm. Even though we live close by they rarely visit or contact us, even pre-COVID.

It is so alien to me as I come from a very close and loving family. My husband’s family occasions are barely tolerable due to their complete lack of family love or even friendship. They are barely able to engage in any conversation outside of farming, money or limited local gossip. I dread having to meet up with them.

Thankfully I have made good friends and I like it here except for my miserable in-laws

This gets me down at times as I moved here for my husband. Thankfully I have made good friends and I like it here except for my miserable in-laws.

My husband will be reluctant to move away and I don’t know if I should push it too much in case it doesn’t work out.

Any advice would be appreciated,

Mammy in a Muddle

Dear Mammy in a Muddle,

Thank you very much for your letter. Succession and the “second son” has been in the spotlight in recent weeks, following a letter read out on the Ryan Tubridy Show on RTÉ Radio 1.

As an aside, it might be worth objectively teasing out with your husband how he feels

Firstly, I want to preface this advice by saying I in no way condone the way your in-laws treat or treated your husband, you and your family. Purely from your own point of view, there is little you can do to change what has happened, so I am going to focus primarily on your relationship with your in-laws and ‘to move or not to move’.

As an aside, it might be worth objectively teasing out with your husband how he feels about his family’s succession issue. He may not harbour any ill will, but if he did, it might be worth looking into counselling.

I think it is only when were are older that we realise how just differently people are raised. This was demonstrated to me very clearly in my pre-marital course. The group was asked, do you speak with your parents every day or once a week. The split was roughly 50/50.

The point of the exercise was to show how different people relate to their families and in turn, how this might affect couples’ expectations of each other.

It is OK not to like your husband’s family and it is totally up to you how much of a relationship you wish to have with them.

On whether or not to move, only you and your husband can decide what to do

While I know they have not made an effort and you are understandably hurt by this, if you did wish to have more of a relationship with your in-laws for your children, what would it be like to reach out to a member of the family and ask them get a coffee or help you out with something?

On whether or not to move, only you and your husband can decide what to do.

The first step is to speak with your husband and express your concerns to him, as you have to me in your letter. You don’t need to put pressure on him, but just have a conversation to gauge how you are both feeling.

As is, it seems you don’t have a lot of contact with your husband’s family. Will physical distance remove them from your life any more than they are now?

Here are a few things I think might help to consider in relation to the issue:

You have made good friends where you live now and ultimately like it outside of your in-laws – are you willing to give that up?

As is, it seems you don’t have a lot of contact with your husband’s family. Will physical distance remove them from your life any more than they are now?

Will moving make your family happier?

Ultimately, this is a decision you must make as a family. But knowing your children will be raised in a loving, inclusive environment is in itself a win.

Wishing you all the best.