The secret lives of women: the stories behind "Dear Miriam"

While International Women’s Day is a global celebration of the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women, it is also an opportunity to focus on the challenges that females still face.

And in Irish Country Living, all you have to do is turn to “Dear Miriam” for an insight into the issues that many readers – but by and large, women – are struggling with in silence.

Often running to several foolscap pages scribbled in the small hours, these letters come from every part of the country and age group, but often share the same themes.

A couple who started out so full of love and hope, but now live like strangers. The stress of “marrying-in” and living too close for comfort to the in-laws. Loss of identify and confidence. The lack of certainty regarding their place – or right – in relation to the farm. And, saddest of all, the women who live in fear of physical, mental or emotional abuse and feel they have nowhere to turn.

Of course, there are many women living happily in rural Ireland who will never need to write to an agony aunt; but for others, it is their only option to have their voices heard.

So, this week, we look at the most common concerns with the help of three experts who often lend their advice to our reader – counsellor and psychotherapist Claire Forde; counsellor and psychosexual therapist Eithne Bacuzzi; and solicitor and agri-tax consultant Aisling Meehan – to discuss “the secret lives of women”.

When your Relationship Crumbles around you

Working as a psychotherapist in private practice in Co Clare, as well as in Limerick with MyMind, Claire Forde believes many women in rural Ireland still struggle in silence with many challenges; from members of the older generation who stayed at home to care for elderly parents, to new mothers afraid to seek help with issues like postnatal depression because of the perceived “stigma”.

Moreover, when it comes to love and marriage, the most solid foundation can crumble with the many pressures that are particular to farming life.

“A lot of the time, it’s a woman who marries into the land. Because divorce now is legal in Ireland, she may be seen as a threat,” cites Clare, as one example.

“And even though her husband might be a very loving and caring man, he might be under the influence of the parents, so he’s running the farm his parents’ way. And even though he might have new ideas – or she might have – they may be brushed aside because the farm might not even be signed over to him yet, so he’s like a puppet on a string.

“So for her then, she is being more and more isolated, not listened to, ignored; so the more that is going on, her self-confidence is going to dwindle.”

Add in factors like the 24/7 nature of farming, financial fears, the fact that the woman may be living far from her own family, and a lost sense-of-self, and it’s not hard to see how these issues can “fester”.

“Women will just swallow their pain,” says Claire, who warns that this can later manifest as stress, anxiety and depression.

But no matter what the underlying issue, if a woman is struggling to cope, Claire believes it is important to speak to a GP, as well as considering counselling, which provides a safe and confidential space to speak your mind.

“The very fact of getting it off your chest can be enough to lighten the load,” says Claire, who explains that the counsellor will help women identify areas to work on to make more positive changes in their life and relationships.

Often, this can involve a regular practice of self-care, which Claire believes is essential for farming women who put everybody else first.

This can be as simple as treating your daily shower or bath as a ritual – enjoying the warm water and the scent of the soap – rather than rushing through it; downloading a “body scan” meditation from YouTube; or making a date to do something fun with friends, like meet for coffee or bingo.

Otherwise, it’s like trying to drive a car with one flat wheel: you won’t keep going for much longer.

“Self-care is so important, no matter where we find ourselves in life. We alone are responsible for our own happiness and for our health, so it’s up to us to look after us. And we’re never alone. It’s just so important for people to remember that,” she says.

Lives that go from love To Loneliness

Another theme repeated regularly in “Dear Miriam” is loneliness within a marriage, with many women wondering where the romance, fun and, moreover, the emotional and physical connection went.

But according to Sandyford-based psychosexual therapist Eithne Bacuzzi, between family and farm commitments, it’s not hard to see how couples can lose each other along the way. “Mainly, I think life takes over,” she says. “And then it goes on so long they don’t know how to reconnect.”

And intimacy can often be the first casualty, leading to a sense of frustration – and isolation – for both. “A woman will say she feels isolated and lonely and unloved, and a man will say he feels rejected – but actually they’re both saying the same thing. They’re both saying: ‘I’m kind of lost,’” she says.

Unfortunately, rather than express how they feel, the sexual or intimate side of the relationship – or lack thereof – becomes “the elephant in the room”. With professional support, however, Eithne believes it is possible to get back on track.

One of the main issues she encounters is that many couples don’t realise that, in general, men and women are “wired differently” when it comes to their sexual needs. For instance, women are more of a “slow burn”. “They like to be loved and cared for and, sexually, they like to take their time,” she says. “The woman wants a hug, kiss, intimacy, closeness, feeling.”

Therefore, part of the process of sexual therapy is to actually look at other ways of connecting; for example, from simple things like going for a walk or dinner, to showing affection in other ways. If their partner refuses to even discuss the issue, however, Eithne believes it is beneficial for a woman to seek counselling in her own right to explore her options.

“I would be telling her that she has choices: that she stays and tries to work with it, or she stays and doesn’t do anything, or she leaves,” she says. “They might not sound very exciting; but you have choices.”

Of course, Eithne acknowledges that the latter – leaving – is daunting for many women and, in such cases, her approach is to encourage self-care (eating, sleeping and exercising properly) along with building up confidence by restoring a sense of purpose and joy; be it through volunteering, joining a club or a new hobby.

“I think when you realise you deserve happiness and some sort of a life, then you won’t stay in that situation. But that’s self-esteem as well,” she says. We must ask ourselves: “Do I value myself enough to realise that this isn’t good enough for me?”

‘am i Legally bound to a life of misery?’

However, one of the biggest barriers faced by many women who write to “Dear Miriam” is lack of financial independence – especially as many gave up jobs to raise the family and farm alongside their husbands, but without having their role formally recognised.

According to Clare-based agricultural solicitor, tax consultant and farmer Aisling Meehan, this situation is not unusual: an agri-tax review published in 2015 showed almost 80% of family farm holders in Ireland are male and 12.4% female.

“So joint ownership of farms between spouses in Ireland is very uncommon,” says Aisling, explaining that this is partly due to historical inequalities in the agri-tax system; as in the case of joint ownership potentially creating difficulties with transferring the farm to the next generation.

Fortunately, there has been progress to remove adverse implications, and it is now possible to have a farm partnership retrospectively recognised, though Aisling always recommends seeking professional legal and tax advice first, as well as making a will.

Of course, securing your rights in a stable relationship is one thing. Where a marriage is in difficulty it is quite another, especially if a couple decides to pursue a judicial separation.

“Unfortunately, when it comes to a farm, I suppose there’s a false presumption that once a couple are married, they’re each entitled to 50% of the other’s assets. That’s not actually the case,” says Aisling, referencing as an example the Supreme Court case of G v G, where the court ruled the spouse was entitled to 25% of an inherited farm.

“It would only be in a separation situation where there would be formal proceedings commenced that they would start looking at that,” she continues.

Generally speaking, with the family home, the court will grant the spouse with custody the right to stay in the house until the youngest child is 18 or 23 (if in full-time education), after which there might be an order to sell the house and divide the proceeds equally or into shares deemed just.

In relation to a farm, however, the court will look at each situation on a case-by-case basis, with the contribution of each party taken into account. This can be direct (for example a woman whose off-farm income paid farm or household bills) or indirect (as in the case of unpaid labour on the farm or in the home), as well as the length of the relationship and financial prospects of each spouse.

So, for example, where there is a young family and the wife is financially vulnerable, the court might rule to keep the farm as a going concern to provide maintenance payments (the District Court can award up to €500/week for a spouse/civil partner and €150/week per child) or where children have grown up, to divide or sell off part of the farm. “It’s to give financial security to the non-owning spouse at the end of the relationship,” says Aisling.

Acknowledging that this is daunting, however, she recommends that anyone unsure of their situation contact the Free Legal Advice Centre, for confidential, basic legal advice including family law through a network of centres nationwide (See www.flac.ie or call 1890 350 250).

Reach Out

Of course, there are many more issues that come into the Dear Miriam page; but the important thing is that no matter how lonely or hopeless a situation might seem, there is always somebody who can help.

“There’s always someone to reach out to,” says Claire Forde.

“We all deserve to be loved unconditionally, we deserve respect, we deserve to be happy and if we’re in situations where this is not happening- if we’re in situations where we are oppressed, bullied, there could be physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse – we need to look after ourselves … and if necessary, move on,” Claire encourages.

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