Dear Miriam,

You might be able to help me with a predicament. A good friend of mine from my college days will celebrate her 50th birthday this summer. There was a plan for a “girls’ getaway” to Malaga for a long weekend in August, but of course, that all had to be cancelled due to COVID-19.

However, her husband has been in touch to say that he is organising a surprise party for her in their home instead and he is hoping that we will all be able to make it on the night.

I’m really not comfortable travelling too far from home at the moment

Here is the problem Miriam. My friend lives in Dublin and as we still don’t know how things are going to go with the virus, I’m really not comfortable travelling too far from home at the moment, or socialising with a mixed group of people, even if it is in a house rather than a hotel or a busy bar.

It’s not so much that I’m worried about catching the virus myself, but I call in on my elderly mother every day and the last thing I want to do is to bring something home to her.

I don’t want to let my friend down

I’m sure everybody there would be responsible, but you just don’t know, especially when there is alcohol involved. Then there is having to stay overnight, eat out, stop for petrol – a lot of things you can’t really control.

But at the same time, I don’t want to let my friend down. She has been a rock to me over the years and went to huge trouble when I celebrated my “big birthday” last year. I know she was so disappointed that the Spain trip had to be cancelled. I know too that it would mean so much to her if all her friends made a special effort to mark her big day.

In “normal times”, I’d be there like a shot – any excuse for a trip to Dublin away from the farm! But I just don’t think I can take the risk in going to the party when I am looking after my mother as well.

I know it’s not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things, but have you any advice?

Maura, Cork

Dear Maura,

Thanks for your email. I think that you have to go with your gut on this one. As much as you would love to celebrate your friend’s birthday, you are in daily contact with a loved one who is in the more vulnerable category, and because of that, you have to be conscious of your movements.

You could also consider recording a special video message

But surely, your friend will understand the predicament that you are in? And there are plenty of other ways to show you care – for example, you could book something like a night away in a hotel in Ireland or a special afternoon tea (or a voucher to that effect) down the line for just the two of you, when things go “back to normal”.

You could also consider recording a special video message that your friend’s husband could play for her on the evening, or put together a scrapbook of old photographs and memories that he could give to her, with a letter explaining why you can’t be there, but that you are sending her all your love.

At the end of the day, it’s just one night, and I’m sure that your friendship is built on much more than that

These are just suggestions – you know best what would mean the most to your friend on her birthday, but I think that if lockdown has taught us anything, it’s that there are many ways to show that we care while we are forced to stay apart.

At the end of the day, it’s just one night, and I’m sure that your friendship is built on much more than that. Once she knows that you have a genuine reason for not being able to attend, I’m sure that it will be absolutely fine.

I hope that this is helpful and thanks again for getting in touch.

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