I want to leave him; but where would I go?

I am in my late 50s. My husband suffers from depression mood swings, which he refuses to accept. He can be verbally abusive and physical at times; followed by being all sweetness and light. At this stage, he has drained everything I have ever felt for him. I only feel pity for him, but what do I do? I would lose out if I left and always helped him financially when I was working. I don’t have much savings; though at this stage I think I would rather be penniless and happy than comfortable and this way.

I am not a happy person and always swore after my parents died that I would leave him, but where do you go?

On a positive note, it is not every day like this, and I like him then, but I am only fooling myself. I do not know from hour to hour what the mood will be. If he just got a little calmer, that would help him to deal with life and be a bit more respectful towards his wife.

Farmer’s wife

Thank you for your letter. While you mention how life might be easier if your husband sought help for his depression, I really feel that your number one priority right now is to look after yourself.

Whatever his struggles, verbal and physical abuse are never the answer. If you feel threatened, please contact your local Gardaí. If you feel you are in immediate danger, you can do this by calling 999. Otherwise, you can visit the Garda station and ask to speak to a member in private. They will discuss your situation with you and advise you on what is best to do to make sure you stay safe.

You mention that you have thought about leaving in the past, but that you have financial concerns. If you did go down the route of separation, you should be entitled to an income/settlement from the farm, given your contribution over the years. Have you a family solicitor that you can discuss this with in confidence? If not, you could contact the FLAC (Free Legal Advice Centre) helpline on 01-906-1010, which operates from 9.30am-1pm from Monday to Friday and also from 7pm-9pm on Monday evenings. This service provides basic legal information, but they should be able to refer you to a service that can help with more complex queries.

It would also be worth speaking to your GP on how best to take care of yourself at this time. Living in this situation is very stressful and takes a toll that we might not always recognise. Your GP should also be able to refer you to a counselling service if that is something that you might be interested in availing of. Counselling would give you a safe space to express all of your feelings and concerns and to start to figure out what you want from your life, and how to get there by taking baby steps.

I really feel the longing in your letter for peace and happiness at this stage of your life

There are also a number of organisations that provide support to family members of people who have mental health issues. Aware, for example, run a regular programme for relatives and friends that focuses on self-care, coping tools and also developing a personal action plan. You can contact their helpline on Freephone 1800-80-48-48. Shine is another organisation that supports people affected by mental health, including family members. They are happy to speak with you on 01-860-1610. Women’s Aid provides support services for any woman living with physical and emotional abuse and can be contacted on 1800-341-900. Have you family members or a close friend that you could trust to support you too?

I know that making changes or reaching out for help can be very scary. But I really feel the longing in your letter for peace and happiness at this stage of your life. It is not a lot to ask for. Nobody should have to live in fear of what the next hour or mood swing might bring with it. Hopefully your husband will one day see that he needs help; but you can’t wait until then to look after yourself. You have tremendous strength and ability; use that now to put yourself first. I wish you the very best of luck.