The story so far is that Mammy’s second daughter, Jennifer, has moved in with this new boyfriend, Declan. Declan is a bit of hard work and already Himself is boycotting him over a slight about Himself’s coin collection. Mammy is gone to visit the pair in Dublin. Along the way WHO did she bump into? Only the sister of her nemesis, Nuala Costigan. The sister told Mammy a little bit of “what has Nuala the way she is”. Armed with this information, Mammy resolves to give Declan a bit of leeway. But her resolve is soon tested.

They were there at the station. I was glad. I’d be nervous of that Luas with all the stuff you’d see on TV3 about it. Fellas injecting drugs into their howsyourfathers by all accounts. But what in the name of God was Declan wearing? Some sort of an auld tracksuit bottom and a T-shirt with all sorts of skulls and crossbones on them. And Jennifer next to him, immaculately turned out. WHAT does she see in him at all?

Declan went off to pay for the parking.

“How’s Daddy?” says Jennifer as soon as he’d gone. I couldn’t remember how Daddy was because I couldn’t remember what little white lie we were after telling to explain his absence.

“On the mend,” I says. “But he didn’t want to be spreading germs.”

“Germs? I thought it was a sore shoulder he had ... MAMMY!”

I was caught rotten.

“Mammy is Daddy staying away because he doesn’t like Declan?”

“Ah ... he just wanted to let the dust settle a bit.”

“Over his fecking coins. Mammy tell Daddy that Declan is here to stay for the foreseeable, so he’d better get used to him. And you too for that matter.”

“ME?”

“Yes, I can see the way you’re looking at his T-shirt. You do that thing with your lips when you’re not happy. That’s his personal style. He’s not about the clothes, he’s deeper than that.”

Was this the same daughter who told me that grooming would be one of her top criteria and said that Himself was dressed like Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances? I blame the yoga, she’s gone too far the other way now.

“Anyway, we’re parked over here,” says Jennifer. “Make an effort now Mam. I made an effort with all your mad aunts.”

Mad aunts! The che..Well, I suppose she had a point. Jennifer was very good for visiting poor Cissie and she was the one who used to lock away her butter in case it was stolen.

We got to the car and Jennifer got into the driver’s seat.

“You’re sharing the driving,” I says. “Very modern.” I don’t know what possessed me to say that and Jennifer glared at me again.

“I don’t drive,” says Declan.

“You’re dead right Declan. All the polluting. Doing your bit for the environment.”

“Nah, not that, just never bothered to learn.”

I was trying and he wasn’t even meeting me halfway.

We got to the house. I wasn’t sure about the area. There seemed to be a lot of gougers hanging around.

“It’s very vibrant around here,” says Jennifer.

She had a lovely salad ready. Declan made this, she said. Well that was something. Suddenly, there was an awful noise from the next room. Shouting and rocking and moaning.

“That’s Felipe and Mariana,” said Jennifer. “The other couple we’re sharing with. They’re Brazilian. They’re very expressive in their love for one another. The physical aspect.”

“PUTA!” says Felipe through the wall. “BOSTA! SIM!” replies Mariana.

“They seem to be getting on Rio well,” says Declan.

And I don’t know why, but I started laughing and laughing and laughing at his joke. It wasn’t even that funny. Just the relief that he was a bit normal. Even Felipe and Mariana seemed to stop making noise. Wondering who was this auld wan hooting next door.

There’s worse than Declan out there. Or in there I suppose.