Dear Miriam,

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged and are planning to get married next summer. I am absolutely delighted and looking forward to the big day already, so you might be wondering why I am writing to you at all. Well, I would just like your opinion on a small – but kind of delicate – matter.

My boyfriend’s aunt is the cantor in the local church and has sung at all the weddings of her nephews and nieces to date. She considers it almost like her wedding present to the couple, the same way a relative making the wedding cake might. So, when we got engaged, she more or less assumed that the “gig” was hers, and has been in touch to say that we will have to meet up in the new year to talk through the songs we might like to choose from her “repertoire”.

She is a nice singer, and I know it is very generous of her to offer her services this way. However, I always said that when I got married that I would like to have something a bit different – like a gospel choir – whereas her style would be a lot more “traditional”, for want of a better word.

My husband-to-be is not all that bothered about music and is happy to go with his aunt (though this could be because the gospel choir might cost a few bob!). However, I just know it’s not what I want and I will probably end up feeling resentful if I go along with it.

That said, the last thing I want to do is hurt his aunt’s feelings or cause any sort of fallout in the family in the run-up to the wedding.

What do you think I should do?

Bride-to-be, Munster

Dear Bride-to-be,

Thank you for your letter and, of course, congratulations on your recent engagement.

I’m sure that your boyfriend’s aunt had the very best of intentions in volunteering her services as your wedding singer, and I do think it makes a ceremony extra special when loved ones are involved. That said, people should probably wait to be invited to share their talents rather than imposing them – however kind-hearted their offer might be!

You obviously have thought long and hard about what music would mean the most to you at your wedding ceremony, and I don’t think you should have to give up on that dream just because you are afraid you might ruffle a few feathers. You would only resent the decision – and who wants to be inwardly seething while walking up the aisle?! But I’m quite sure you can still have your gospel choir and spare the aunt’s feelings. It might just involve a little bit of compromise and communication.

With the support of your husband-to-be, what I would do is tell his aunt that you are very honoured and touched by her generous offer to sing at your wedding, but that it has always been your dream to have a gospel choir at the ceremony and you hope that she understands. However, you could quickly follow that statement by saying that you would love her to sing a song during the mass; for example, the responsorial psalm.

That way, she is still playing a role in the ceremony, but not in a way that would take away from the overall musical tone of the day. Indeed, a very simple, traditional hymn might be very moving at this stage of the mass in contrast to the fuller gospel sound before and after.

But who knows, if she was up for it, she might even extend her “repertoire” for the day with a new gospel-style hymn that you could choose together, or even have the choir provide backing vocals – if that was possible to arrange in advance and if all parties were up for it.

I wouldn’t continue to over-think it, as that will only make it a bigger issue in your mind than it really is. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you and your husband will be married. The rest is just background noise … well, music!

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