My husband will not pay the university fees for our son. The two of them are not talking and have fallen out over a number of issues. Now my husband said he will only pay them if my son apologies. My son said that he has nothing to apologise for. I didn’t know if I should ring you, but I don’t know what to do.

I sometimes get phone calls like this and I’m unsure whether I should be answering them or referring them to Miriam, who deals with the more emotional issues. This phone call followed on from an article last week about whether or not you should pay your children for work on the farm. The woman was clearly distraught and wanted me to come down to talk to her husband.

My concern, I told her, was that if I showed up without knowing the full story, it could do more harm than good. I would be ill-equipped to deal with a number of scenarios that could develop. For one, I would have no way of knowing how the farmer would react while I was there or when I left. It was obvious that there was a real conflict between the son and father.

I asked if the son worked on the farm and was due money. She said he did a bit of work but was never really paid for it. The other option I suggested was if the son had looked to take out a student loan to cover the amount. She said he had started to do this but it was not coming through in time.

“My husband said that he would pay the fees for university,” she said. Taking another approach, I asked if her son would not just say what was needed to be said. In cases like this, you would believe that logic should prevail and the two of them will figure it out. However, sometimes a relationship has broken down and it is difficult for either side to be seen to lose face.

As the conversation went on, there was a few comments that got me concerned. I started asking a few questions about the money relationship between the husband and wife as well. They are full-time farmers with no off-farm income. Every week, her husband gives her €400 to buy all the groceries and pay the bills for the household.

“With three children, it never goes far enough. I have asked him many times for more. I have even written down everything I spend it on and showed it to him but he just will not give me any more,” she said.

The €400 adds up to €20,100 a year. Having looked at the drawings needed for different families, I would say that this was definitely on the low side for a typical family with three older children. It does depend on what the family actually spends money on and what loan repayment and bills have to come out of it. However, given the fact that she said it does not stretch, means that she is clearly struggling.

“I try to hold back a little so I can give the children a bit of pocket money when they need it,” she told me.

As the conversation went on, my biggest concern was that the husband is using money to control not just her but the family.

I started asking if money was tight on the farm as well. She said the farm is large enough and the basic payment is big enough that there should be more money available for the family.

“My husband tends to put the farm first. If a new tractor or machine is needed, it is bought with no thought for the needs of the family,” she said.

The farm is in joint names and she does work on the farm as well. Do you ever help with the bookwork or look at the farm accounts? I asked. She said no. I suggested she have a look and go as far as asking the accountant about the finances.

“Your name is on the accounts so you have every right to find out,” I said. With this information, she can then find out if the farm is making enough. Other people she might talk to would be the Money Advice Budgeting service (MABS) or give a ring to the IFA Farm Families. They could give her advice and help build confidence so that she can talk to her husband about the issues.

For me, the situation is not just about the money but more about how the farmer is using it to control the family. If the €400 is not enough, why would he simple not increase the amount?

I also think a sum should be agreed and the money should be transferred across monthly rather than weekly as the latter makes it much harder to budget.

The current issue with the son appears to be the latest in a long line of issues. There does appear to be a lack of respect for each of the family members. That has to be dealt with to stop the same situation reoccurring in the future.