Dear Miriam,

I enjoy your column and it is very sad to see the constant relationship problems that exist within the farming community.

Last year I attended counselling and to be honest I didn’t get a whole lot out of it, as my husband refused to see that we have serious problems and keeps telling me that I don’t know how lucky I am!

To put it in a nutshell: my husband “eats, sleeps, farms, repeat” and makes no time for his family. His only measure of success is his bank balance. We have kids now in their teens and the only time he spends with them is when they help on the farm. He rarely comes to support their activities, family occasions are a nightmare as he is always late, and these are seen as an inconvenience of his time.

I have challenged – and regularly challenge – him as to where my kids and I are in his priorities, but always meet with resistance and that there is something wrong with me. He regularly puts me down to the children. He has expanded (the farm) in the last number of years and continues to expand, regardless of land limitations. He now wants to offer accommodation in our home in order to try and get staff. Despite my “not an option” on this, he doesn’t listen and continues on regardless. Everything is in his name. How stupid of me. Stuck … from a home and financial view, with my kids.

What am I to do?

Worried Lady

Dear Worried Lady,

Thank you for your letter. You strike me as a strong and caring woman who only wants the best for her family; but unfortunately, your genuine concerns are falling on deaf ears as far as your husband is concerned.

Of course, many farmers are under pressure these days and have to work very hard, but it seems that the balance is completely skewed in your husband’s case. It is troubling that he drives on with major plans without taking your opinion into account. The fact that he puts you down to the children is also an issue – not only in terms of respect, but also how it might shape their views on relationships going forward.

Clearly you have tried to be proactive; for instance, by attending counselling, challenging him on his priorities, etc, but to no avail. I appreciate how difficult this must be and how, like many of our readers, you feel completely “stuck”. However, it is important to know you have options. While they might not be the easiest, you need to ask if you are willing to put up with this situation for the foreseeable future; or take control of your own destiny and that of your family?

That does require asking tough questions. For instance: do you believe there is any hope that your husband might change if he realises just what is at stake? Or do you feel you have exhausted every possible solution? This might be where counselling could play a role, but this time in your own right: to define what you want from your life and what steps are necessary to achieve it. If that means considering a judicial separation, it is important to know that you do have rights, even if your name is not on the deeds: in terms of your residence, and having your contribution to the family recognised.

Again, I don’t underestimate how daunting these options might appear, but it is important to arm yourself with information so you can consider all your choices. A good starting point might be to contact the Free Legal Advice Centre, which provides confidential, basic legal advice including family law through a network of centres nationwide (see www.flac.ie or call 1890 350 250).

At the end of the day, we can’t change another person’s behaviour, but we can choose how we respond to it. I wish you and your family the best of luck. CL