Dear Miriam,

I am writing to you as I would like some advice. My 13-year-old daughter is a great girl but she is very hard on herself. She has always been a perfectionist; even when she was young, if she got even one spelling wrong in a test, she would be very upset, even though I would reassure her that it was nothing to worry about.

Since she started secondary school, she has put even more pressure on herself, doing homework ’til all hours, sick with nerves going into school if she has an exam, worrying that she will fail when she always passes with flying colours etc. As I said, her father and I have never put any pressure on her academically, so we don’t know where this is all coming from. Her older brothers were the complete opposite when it came to school; you could hardly get them in from the farm or football field to study and they were happy out just sailing along.

I always just thought she was simply a “worrier” and would hopefully grow out of it, but I know there is a lot of talk these days about anxiety and young people and I wonder if this is something that she is experiencing. What do you think and what would you advise me to do?

Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother,

Thank you very much for your letter. I can imagine how concerned you must be to see your lovely daughter put herself under so much stress. I remember a psychotherapist once told me that she believed that perfectionism was one of the most painful traits, and I think there is a lot of truth in that. The teenage years have always been tricky, but considering the extra pressures that young people are under these days, it’s not hard to see how these issues appear to be on the rise.

Of course, I can’t say for certain if what your daughter is experiencing is anxiety, but it does sound like some of the indicators are there. My view is that it would be very helpful to speak with somebody to try to get to the root of what is actually driving the behaviour and to give your daughter some positive tools to help her to cope, eg ways that she can challenge the negative self-talk, mindfulness techniques to help her to relax etc.

You could talk to your GP to see if they have any recommendations or, alternatively, connect with an organisation like Jigsaw Ireland, which provides free and confidential professional support for young people aged 12-25 in 13 hubs across Ireland. Jigsaw Ireland also offers advice to parents/guardians looking for mental health advice/support for a young person, so they would certainly be worth a call as a starting point. You can find out more on www.jigsaw.ie

Of course, I can understand that for a 13-year-old, this prospect might seem a bit daunting. Fortunately, there are a lot of people talking about positive mental health these days, including many of the “influencers” that teenagers look up to on social media, so hopefully she might be open to the idea of getting a little support in this area.

She should also know that it is a great sign of strength to be able to ask for help and that it is nothing to be embarrassed about: everybody will struggle from time to time in their lives, but it is how they respond to the challenge that counts.

She is so lucky to have a supportive mother who only wants to see her happy and at home in herself. Keep the lines of communication open, so that if anything else is going on (eg some issue in the school or with friends), she knows that she can always talk to you or her dad.

If you can, it might be nice to spend some time together away from the books, such as going to the cinema or for lunch once a week, just to get that bit of headspace as well.

Thank you for reaching out and I wish you and your family the best of luck. CL