Dear Miriam,

I am writing to you in relation to a letter published in Irish Country Living on 14 September (“The isolation stays the same”) and to the previous letter relating to the same, published on 3 August.

Firstly, I would like to congratulate this gentleman for putting pen to paper, not once but twice. I think this man has accepted his sexual orientation as being gay, but I think the crux of his problem is how he has dealt with it from the time he became aware of his sexual leanings.

From his previous letter, he directed his energies to developing his farming business. He built it up from scratch and, in a way, used this as a crutch to deal with his sexuality. He now finds himself with a profitable business and in a comfortable position financially. But he sees his friends with wives and families and this makes him feel so utterly alone.

The section of this letter that really attracted my attention is the statement he made: “But the truth of the matter is nothing can change the way I feel now.”

The truth of the matter is that the only one that can change the way you feel is you.

If I could speak directly to this gentleman, I would say that you have made that first, most important step by writing to Miriam. The next most important step is to draw on your own reserves. You have built a profitable farming business, which is no mean feat. Think of what energy and skills you used to achieve this – now apply this to your own personal life.

Draw on your friends. Do they really know how isolated you feel, or, more importantly, do they even know you are gay?

I know in your previous letter you made reference to people suspecting that you were gay and that your family knew/suspected. Have you ever sat down with your best friend/friends and talked about your sexual leanings? If you haven’t, and they are true friends, you may be surprised at how supportive they are. You have to stop isolating yourself. You are what you are – a hard-working man who wants to live a fulfilling life, be accepted, and be included in your community. But to achieve this, you are going to have to work at it, just like you did with your farming business.

You also state in your letter that you would love to have a wife and family. Just ask any married, gay man about this and they will tell you that you are lucky that you did not take this route in life. Yes, you probably envy what your friends have, but, equally, they may envy you just as much.

I also gather from the content of your letters that all your friends are straight. What have you done about building friendships with other gay people? I don’t mean just sexual friendships. You can be part of a community, both straight and gay. You can be happy, but only you can achieve this. Confide in close friends and family. They may be just as shocked that you are so lonely, and not that you are actually gay.

You deserve to have a happy life, enjoy your work (which you do), but, moreover, be happy within, and you can do it.

I wish you all the best in the future.

Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to get in touch. The original letter published on 4 August has clearly struck a chord with many of our readers, and I hope that the sender can draw strength from the support that has been expressed for him all round.

I think what’s most interesting is your point that his friends might be more shocked by his loneliness than by his sexuality. I think that’s true in so many cases. No matter what problems we face in life, it’s so important to seek support from the people who only want the best for us, and can help us achieve some perspective when we feel overwhelmed by our problems. I also agree that happiness lies in our own hands – but it can start by reaching out to those who can support us, be it a professional counsellor or a trusted friend. Nobody should have to feel alone. There’s a lesson in that for all of us.