Valentine’s Day came and went on the dairy farm. Tim and I acknowledged it by an early morning fleeting kiss over a newborn calf that I was bottle feeding. There will be no hard feelings about getting no flowers or chocolates or whatever. That momentary pause said it all: “You’re busy, I will leave you at it!” Or “You’ve no eyes for me if you’ve a baby calf within your arms!” Or “You’re rushing off to work, I won’t delay you!”

There comes a time in your life when you don’t even have to speak. You just know you are loved no matter what. So most of all it said “I love you!” That kind of understanding comes after years of partnership. Still, it was a given that I would cook something nice for tea and that Tim would pick me a few daffodils from the fields whenever he found time.

The pressure on people to buy gifts, share dinner or even weekends away is enormous

To be fair, the younger folk had also postponed their respective celebrations due to the unpredictability of the calving shed.

An arranged evening later on in spring is a much better option instead of breaking an important date. The pressure on people to buy gifts, share dinner or even weekends away is enormous.

Beforehand, I joked about the roses that would arrive for me and I was referred to the dying bunch of tulips that a friend had given me the previous week.

The leaves were wilted and yellow and the white petals were shrivelled and twisted. They should really have been thrown out.

Similarly, the mini compost bin near the sink had its lid open in a massive yawn of tea bags and rotting vegetable peels. The sorry mess had spilled over onto the counter.

The kitchen unit was covered in all sorts of bric-a-brac from woolly caps adorned with pieces of golden straw, through discarded wrappers, the remnants of supper from the evening before, a few envelopes from opened post, a shopping list on a bit of card and so on.

When you’re busy, stuff has to wait and it does build up. I’ll get to it in time. It must be bad though when Philip commented the evening before “You’d miss Sonya Mum, wouldn’t ya?” Indeed we all miss her especially at times of calving. For 12 years she came to do housework a couple of mornings a week.

It is important to remember that and how all the commercial pressure of cards and flowers can make those who have incurred loss incredibly sad

She was an absolute gem. She’d have a cup of tea ready on the end of the unit in the kitchen when I’d come from the calf shed and my bag at the door for school.

This is our second calving season without Sonya and we will miss her forever.

She was taken quite suddenly from her husband and young family. So Valentine’s Day wasn’t a lovely time for everyone. It is important to remember that and how all the commercial pressure of cards and flowers can make those who have incurred loss incredibly sad. I was gloomy thinking about my friend that morning.

No judgement

Going through Ballincollig, I spotted a man with the crossest of faces walking briskly along the footpath. I was stopped in traffic. He wielded a bunch of flowers. He must have been sent for them under duress because he did not look happy.

He positively looked like he would fling them down on the kitchen table and say “now you have your bloody flowers!”

On the radio, Ryan Tubridy was talking to a lady who was finding the day tough because she had lost her husband and her young family had lost their father. She talked about all the stupid and uncaring things that people say to people in grief. “

He was lucky to go quickly; he was spared a lot of pain…” One woman even added “at least you know where he is!” But the point missed is that people mean well and it is definitely better to acknowledge someone’s hurt rather than ignore it. I try to think about what I might say, remembering to make no judgement of the other person’s situation.

I can of course empathise but I can never really understand what the person is going through.

So Valentine’s Day is over for another year, but that doesn’t mean that we wait until next year to tell someone we love them.