Dear Miriam,

My mother passed away last year. My father had died a decade previously and mammy always took great comfort in visiting his grave and ensuring that it was well cared for and tidy.

She always made sure there were seasonal flowers planted fresh in the little area by the kneeler, and that there were wreaths arranged for Christmas and his birthday etc. She also used to look after her own parents’ grave in the same graveyard and that of an aunt who had no family of her own. In her later years, I used to help her with the weeding and planting and I enjoyed spending that special time with her, one-on-one.

My issue is this. Since the funeral, neither my sister nor brother have any interest at all in helping to maintain the graves. This means that all the work falls on my shoulders. It also works out to be quite expensive, especially when there are wreaths involved at Christmas. It all adds up.

I think it’s important to look after the graves with the same respect that mammy always maintained them with. I would hate to see them looking unkempt or unloved. But I am living on a busy farm, I work myself and I have three teenagers with busy extra-curricular schedules. I have very little free time really and it’s hard to keep on top of the graves as well as everything else.

To be honest, I’m upset with my brother and my sister that they don’t seem to have the same drive to look after our family graves. How do I let them know that I need them to pull their weight?

Catherine, Leinster

Miriam responds

Dear Catherine,

Thank you very much for your email. Many people get great solace from visiting a loved one’s resting place, while others perhaps struggle to find a connection there and therefore don’t tend to go that often. Either way, however, I agree that it is a mark of respect to try to keep the family graves looking tidy, to whatever extent your time allows.

Maintaining the family graves was obviously very important to your mother and you perhaps feel a closeness to her in continuing that work. That is a beautiful act of love. But it should not be on your shoulders alone. Explain to your siblings that it is getting more challenging to keep on top of the maintenance and that you need to make a plan of action together.

This could perhaps be a rota between you to take turns looking after the graves, or you might all agree to engage the services of a local grave maintenance company and split the costs between you. Maybe this is the best approach as that way there is less chance of a fallout if somebody does not keep up their side of the bargain.

Perhaps it’s something that your teenagers could also be involved in? Potting up some seasonal flowers or creating wreaths for special occasions might be a nice way of spending time together and passing on that tradition that you have carried on from your mother. It also teaches them about the importance of respect for those that came before them.

My last piece of advice though is not to put too much pressure on yourself trying to have everything perfect. I’m sure there were times in your mother’s life when she simply didn’t have enough hours in the day herself and that she would understand that you are doing your best. The odd weed has its beauty too, so be gentle and kind to yourself.

Reader writes

Dear Miriam,

In relation to the recent letter (“I’m being guilted for hiring a cleaner”, 11 February edition) this lady should put her mother-in-law in her place. Bullying is not acceptable.

Michael.

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