Dear Santa,

Forgive me for saying it but you’re going to have to relocate. You’re clocking up more air miles than Air Force One. It’s not sustainable being based above in the North Pole where nobody lives. Everything is supposed to be local now – food miles and shop local and all that sort of nonsense.

I’ll give you an example; when Mrs P drives across the county boundary to Tormey’s in Mullingar for the Christmas Day roast, they’ll look at her as if she’s an intergalactic traveller.

Modern kids don’t like this stuff. Toys today have to have a lead, a screen, be made in China and set fire to the house on Stephen’s Day

So Santa, get real and set up a few local franchises like DPD Athlone for Ireland. Gift miles are the next big thing. But don’t go overboard on this green thing with crappy auld homemade wooden toys and such like. Modern kids don’t like this stuff. Toys today have to have a lead, a screen, be made in China and set fire to the house on Stephen’s Day.

Though some Lego would be handy – we could build quality houses with it but make sure it’s mica-free. We’ve enough of that.

If you’re delivering in that alien land across the Irish Sea before us, make sure there’s no soil contamination on the sleigh’s runners. The hoors in the Department of Agriculture won’t let you in. Snow’s probably all right. In fact, it might help get a few tractors in from the UK – we can’t get them for love nor money.

You’ll have no bother with the chimneys this year as there won’t be a fire lit in the country

There’s some good news though for you, Santa. You’ll have no bother with the chimneys this year as there won’t be a fire lit in the country. We’ve no gas and no turf and Eamon Ryan has also decreed our logs are too wet.

And there’s less Christmas lights this year as a) we can’t afford the electricity and b) the data centres are greedily gobbling it all up.

But, Santa, we’re still cursed with COVID-19 and if you have any auld spare booster jabs up there, bring them with you. Doesn’t matter if they’re out of date.

The HSE is about to implode and as for its Dub boss, Paul Reid, he’s doin’ his bleedin’ best

We’re alright for syringes – we’ve enough of them. The HSE is about to implode and as for its Dub boss, Paul Reid, he’s doin’ his bleedin’ best. To improve HSE communications, a great big box of great big simple phones with great big buttons would be great.

And, Santa, be nice to our nurses - they’re doing a cracking job. Really generous presents here please to encourage them as they’re getting nothing from the Government. And for Jaysus’s sake don’t bring their kids any nurse’s uniforms as that’s the last thing they want them to do. Cowboy suits would be better – we need to train young bucks to milk cows.

The Glanbia Santa drops in there every month. If you feel bad about this, a crisp bag full of Yara urea will do

And while I’m on it, Santa, when you see a dairy farm, don’t be too bothered with them – they’re doing fine. The Glanbia Santa drops in there every month. If you feel bad about this, a crisp bag full of Yara urea will do. That’s more than generous – it’s worth at least €100 and that’s all they’ll be getting for next year.

Now, some ideas for my own lot. Mrs P needed a new iPad – I’ve seen to that but a snazzy case would go down well. Max? Tricky. A smart shirt wouldn’t go astray. Between courtin’ and the IFA, he has dicky upped a lot. The girls? I don’t know as I see so little of them because of COVID-19. If they get home for Christmas, it would be the best present we could have.

As for the two lads (that’ll be Billy and Pippa, the two terriers), the bone from the roast will do fine. How sustainable is that.

A very happy Christmas to you,

Gerald.