Dear Miriam,

I hope you can offer me some advice. A few years ago I had a bad falling-out with a neighbour, which was entirely my fault. Although I have since apologised and we now chat and talk when we meet, things have never been quite the same.

My problem now is this person is elderly and unwell. I know that if she passes away she will be waked in her own home.

My husband is not aware of our falling-out and so will want to attend. I don’t know what to do in this case.

I feel her family may lash out at me for being there, but at the same time I want to sympathise with them, as both her and her family were really good friends to me.

I will regret our falling-out for the rest of my life.

Yours sincerely,

Tipperary Reader

Dear Tipperary Reader,

Thank you very much for getting in touch. Your letter reminds me of a similar situation with a relative of mine who had a falling-out with her long-time friend and neighbour. They were both very proud, however, and did not speak for a few years, but when the friend became sick, they did reconcile.

Indeed, my relative actually ended up being a great support to her and her family at the end of her life, and even did a reading at the funeral mass when her friend did pass away. So, in the end, it was their long friendship – rather than the short falling-out – that really counted.

Of course, every situation and person is different, and I don’t know what the falling-out was about in your case. What I do see, however, is that you were big enough to apologise for something that you sincerely regret.

While I know things have never been quite the same, the fact that you can chat and be civil when you do meet – if not as close as you once were – says a lot. So don’t be too hard on yourself, please. We are all only human and we all make mistakes, but it is how we learn and move on from them that counts.

I do understand your apprehension regarding the possible funeral arrangements, etc. The first thing I would say is perhaps you should speak to your husband about the falling-out, so at least he can support you when that time comes. This would help him understand, for example, if you might be more comfortable just going in briefly to sympathise, rather than spending a long time in the house afterwards.

However, I do wonder if it is not too late to show your support for your friend and her family at this difficult time.

Again, I don’t know how comfortable this might be for you or the family, but maybe it might be possible to reach out in some way, whether it is something like a mass card with a thoughtful personal message, a letter or some gesture that might be appreciated, even if it was as simple as dropping up a few dinners if family members are caring for your friend and are under pressure.

Even your husband could help bridge this gap if he is still on good terms with the family. For instance, he could make an approach on behalf of both of you, perhaps offering to lend a hand on the farm, pick up messages from town or drive to hospital appointments. Again, you know best what will work for you and for them, but I don’t believe it is ever too late to express a kind word – and that is something that you could never regret.

I hope this advice is of some help and I wish you the best of luck with whatever you feel is right for you, your friend and her family. CL