Dear Miriam,

I am a 42-year-old female living in rural Ireland. I work in a local business three days a week and farm my own 30 acres of land.

Two years ago, I started going out with a 48-year-old farmer who lives approximately 30 miles away. I am in love with him. He is a brilliant guy and has helped me out with cattle, etc on a number of occasions.

Trouble is he still has not introduced me to any of his family, even though he promises that we will stay together. Sometimes I collect him in my car at the end of his laneway. I’m getting very fed-up of not being asked to meet his family. It makes me feel that I mightn’t be good enough.

We may not have a future? What do you think?

Female Farmer

Dear Female Farmer,

Thank you for your letter. I agree that two years is a long time not to have met his family when they are only living 30 miles away and the fact that it is causing you to doubt the future of the relationship means that it needs to be addressed – sooner rather than later.

Perhaps he has what he feels is a valid reason for keeping you apart. For example, maybe he does not have a good relationship with his family or there is a toxic environment in the home that has scuppered previous relationships. However, even in a situation like that, your presence in his life and your relationship deserves to be acknowledged.

Have you asked him straight out if you could meet his family? Or have you been holding out for the invitation? If you have been waiting to be asked, I would just bite the bullet and explain to him why it is so important to you that you meet his family and make it clear that this needs to happen very soon if you are to feel secure in the relationship.

It doesn’t have to be a big deal; it could be as simple as calling into the kitchen one evening, rather than waiting at the end of the lane to pick him up.

If you have asked already to meet them and feel you have been fobbed off, however, I would be questioning whether the relationship has a real future. For instance, how likely is it that you might get engaged or married or move in together (if that is what you want) if you have not met his family by now?

Maybe he is a slow mover, or is in no hurry to “settle down”, but I feel that as this is causing you so much unease, it is important that he recognises it and seeks to rectify it.

Without sensationalising the situation, it might just be worth asking yourself if there is any other reason why he has not introduced you. For instance, is there anything he might be hiding? Have you met his friends, attended social occasions together etc? Or are your meetings very much on his terms?

If it’s the latter, I would question why this is, and if he still insists that there is no problem, make it very clear what needs to change.

If you feel fed-up and under-valued at this stage in your relationship, what will it be like if nothing has changed in a year’s time, two years, and so forth?

I hope that everything works out for the best and that, by expressing your concerns, your boyfriend will take the necessary steps to put you at ease and move the relationship on to the next level.

If not, I think you owe it to yourself to question whether you deserve more than that.

I think you know the answer.

Read More:

https://www.farmersjournal.ie/yes-miriam-the-farm-will-always-come-first-384057

https://www.farmersjournal.ie/i-dont-want-to-be-on-call-all-summer-long-to-mind-the-grandchildren-385967