Dear Miriam,

I have a bit of a strange one for you, and I really feel that in the grand scheme of things, it may not seem like a “real” problem, but I would like your advice all the same.

A couple of weeks ago my youngest child got sick with the flu. Ordinarily, we get him to sleep in his own room – and he is quite good for doing so – but he was so poorly at the time, he was crawling into our bed at night for comfort.

My husband claims that he gets a better night’s rest in the other room and that he doesn’t feel bad about waking me at 5am

When the bed got a bit crowded my husband opted to sleep in the spare room as he is up early for the morning milking and needs his rest, which I fully understand. But my problem is this Miriam; my husband is still opting to use the spare room, even though our toddler is back to full health and is back to his usual sleeping routine in his own room.

My husband claims that he gets a better night’s rest in the other room and that he doesn’t feel bad about waking me at 5am, but to be honest that wasn’t ever an issue for me and I usually slept through regardless of his alarm.

I miss the comfort of having my partner in bed beside me at night

We have not had any disagreements/arguments or a falling out and there is no hostility, but I find it a bit odd, and to be quite frank, I miss the comfort of having my partner in bed beside me at night. I’d love your input on this, how should I approach the subject with him?

All the best,

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Thank you very much for sending in your letter. If something is bothering you and is an issue for you, then you have to try and find a resolution, so please don’t feel like this isn’t a real problem. I am happy to help and I understand where you are coming from.

Watching your children grow is undoubtedly very rewarding and an incredibly special time in life, but it cannot be denied also that young children throw up some challenges from time to time. This is par for the course.

It is quite normal for there to be bumps in the road, so don’t feel as if other couples are not working through their own things

When your children are small, all around, it is a period when couples have to put a little bit of extra effort into their relationship. It is quite normal for there to be bumps in the road, so don’t feel as if other couples are not working through their own things.

From what you have written, I gather you know the best way to sort this is to have a discussion with your husband. And you are right, having an open and honest conversation is the best way to sort this.

Just as you said in your letter to me, outline honestly to your husband how you feel about him not sleeping in the bed with you

In terms of how approach it, firstly I would try pick a time when you know you won’t be interrupted and also (if possible) a time when you both are relaxed, so there won’t be anything else troubling you. I don’t think you need to go out of your way and go somewhere, home is fine.

Just as you said in your letter to me, outline honestly to your husband how you feel about him not sleeping in the bed with you. Tell him that you feel it is an important part of your relationship, that you miss his company and that you don’t mind him getting up early.

Do make sure to impress upon him exactly how you feel about the situation, but also be very open to discussing any issues he may have. Ask him if there is anything going on with him that you can help with.

Have the conversation, go in with no preconceptions and I’m sure you will be able to clear things up

I feel it would unhelpful to speculate as to why this has happened, but there could be a very simple explanation, so try not to focus on it too much. Have the conversation, go in with no preconceptions and I’m sure you will be able to clear things up.

I hope this is of some help and reassurance. I wish you both the very best going forward.

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