Dear Miriam,

I don’t know where to start as I have never written a letter like this. I am from a farming background, while my husband took over the farm from his parents. As it is only small, he also works for himself. We now have a young family and most of the time things are okay.

My problem is his complete lack of understanding. I work part-time and pay for groceries, childminding etc. As he doesn’t have a weekly income, bills are often left unpaid for weeks and he can’t understand what I spend my money on. I have even kept receipts for a week for everything I buy and there is never change left. To everyone else he is a great man – he will go to help anyone. Yet, no matter what I ask him to do at home, it is left for months on end.

My biggest problem is funerals. It’s not the going to the funeral that is the problem, it’s the fact that the pub has to be visited after it and often the next day too.

All my family live the other side of the country so I have no help with the kids – wherever I go, they go. If we have a row, he tells me I’m just like my mother (my parents split up as my father was an alcoholic) yet she kept the farm going and the bills paid. His parents are very old-fashioned and I think he is turning out the same.

Lonely Mother

Dear Lonely Mother,

Thank you for your letter, which I’m sure will resonate with many readers. Because you touch on a number of issues, I have consulted with Shane Kelly, spokesperson for the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP), whose overall impression is that there’s a “disconnect in communication” between yourself and your husband.

Perhaps that is not surprising. As well as the farm, your husband works for himself, while you are balancing a part-time job and shouldering most of the responsibility in the home. Shane makes the point that when two people in a relationship are tired and stressed, it can be difficult to communicate effectively, and what should be a straightforward conversation about something like a household bill, becomes a battleground. So, as tempting as it is to let rip about all the things that are frustrating you, the key is to make time to talk about these issues in a non-adversarial way.

“I wouldn’t say: ‘Here’s a list of things that I’m annoyed about and I want to get them fixed in the next hour.’ It’s not going to happen,” says Shane. “Humans don’t work that way.”

Shane recommends trying to put even an hour aside after the kids have gone to bed to focus on conversation rather than confrontation. This includes acknowledging the positives in the relationship and the fact that your husband works hard on the farm, but also explaining the pressure you are under. The ultimate aim for both of you is not just to talk, but to listen and focus on seeking solutions together, such as drafting a household budget for bills, rather than falling into a blame game.

The alcohol issue is more complicated and your concerns are understandable given your family history. Again, Shane advocates the non-confrontational approach and to be honest and explain that the post-funeral sessions bring back bad memories of your father’s behaviour. Ask if you could find middle ground on the matter.

It’s clear from your letter that you also have very little personal time or family support. That can be very overwhelming and can make day-to-day problems seem insurmountable. Shane recommends looking at your schedule to see if you could take an hour to go for a walk or even do the shopping without the kids. Could your in-laws help more? Don’t rule out counselling either, it can be very helpful to talk about what’s bothering you in a confidential and non-judgmental environment.

Every relationship will encounter challenges, but, in most cases, communication is the key to finding a positive path forward. If you would like further info on getting professional support from an IACP counsellor in your area, call 01-230-3536 or visit www.iacp.ie. I wish you the best of luck.