Dear Miriam,

I am very much lacking in confidence. I have gone to counselling about it and found them no help at all. I went to three different ones. Is there any course I could do? I live in a very remote place so I can’t get to towns that have courses like the big towns.

Have you any tips for me? I am a stay-at-home mum and I feel I have no friends but I just want confidence.I would love to get involved in stuff like even taking up money in the church, but why do I shake if I am asked to? I could not do it. I know my neighbour throws dirty looks at me and talks about me and I just start shaking. What’s the problem? If I could just stop that, Miriam, I would be so happy, really happy. Thank you so much and looking forward to your reply.

Very loyal reader

P.S. It’s the shaking that is my problem – if I’m stuck somewhere, like in a queue at a funeral, I will just start shaking. Please help.

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thank you for your letter. I’m sure it was not easy to write and I feel your pain at not being able to participate in things that other people seem to do without a second’s thought or a care in the world.

Of course, I wish I could hand you a magic potion to make it better but in the same way that our confidence can slowly seep away over many months or years, it also takes time to build it back up. The important thing to remember, though, is it can be done.

I would be interested in knowing more about your confidence through the years. Is it something you have struggled with since your school days or did it develop after leaving work to stay at home to raise your family? I think it is important to think about this in order to understand – and then challenge – the fears that are manifesting in social anxiety, shaking etc.

For example, with regards collecting the money at mass, are you worried that you might drop the basket, that people will be looking at you or that something might go wrong etc? I understand these fears can seem very real and crippling in our own minds. However, if you could understand where they come from and learn to challenge them, you will see that you are so much stronger than your fears will lead you to believe.

I’m very sorry you have not had a good experience with counselling. Sometimes it does take time to find the right person and approach for our particular needs. The one thing I would say is that it is important to be patient with ourselves and with the process of building confidence. There is no “quick fix”.

To be very honest, I feel that to solve this issue, you need to get to the root of it and the right counsellor will support you with that. It might help if you look for somebody who specialises in anxiety issues and CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), who can teach you skills to bring down your stress levels to help with the shaking, eg deep breathing, mindfulness exercises etc. You can search for a counsellor near you on www.iacp.ie, but before making an appointment, call them and talk through what you want to work on and see if they might be a good fit for you.

However, if you feel that counselling is not for you right now, there are other options. I’m not sure what part of the country you are based in, but local development partnerships regularly run personal development-style courses that include confidence-building.

Aware is also rolling out its very successful Life Skills programme in the new year, which covers areas like anxiety and depression and aims to give participants CBT skills to help manage stress and cope better. As well as a group programme, they also offer an online programme where every participant is supported by an Aware volunteer. This might suit you if you are in a rural area. Registration opens in early January but places are limited. See www.aware.ie/services/life-skills-online-programme for further information.

I wish you the best of luck as you reclaim the confidence you desire to live the full and happy life that you deserve. CL