Dear Miriam,

I’m writing to you in relation to the letter from a “worried mother” – (“My 13-year-old daughter is so anxious and hard on herself”, published 22 March edition). I have been this soldier but unfortunately we didn’t see the signs until things were much worse. So well done to this mam, her daughter is very lucky.

The first thing to do is talk to the school. You can do this with or without your daughter knowing. The school will have great knowledge of all help available in this area. A school reference could fast-track an appointment with Jigsaw. You could start with the year or form head or school chaplain. It’s also important to let her teachers know; chat with them at the PT meeting.

I would suggest not overusing the word “anxiety”. Maybe substitute with “stressed”. Encourage other activities away from school.

I would suggest looking into CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). There are some very good videos on YouTube from Dr Harry Barry and others. Her daughter needs to learn coping skills that she can fall back on through her life.

I imagine, like my daughter, this girl is an over-achiever. It just seems to be part of their make-up, but they have to learn how to manage it properly.

Just please don’t let it go. I hope this will be of some small help.

Kind regards,

A.R.

Dear Miriam,

My family could have written the letter just published regarding the 13-year-old girl. Since she was eight or nine, our daughter was a high achiever regarding school performance and grades.

Once secondary school came along, the exact same thing happened to our daughter. Staying up late doing homework, a nervous wreck with exams and projects. We got her help through parent-child group sessions. She still confined herself to her room every weekend, studying and depressed. One doctor diagnosed her as bipolar.

Today she is 16. We purchased her a “house dog” last summer and her life has totally changed – the interaction with the dog showing unconditional love, plus she is more mature.

Her anxiety was all school-related and what they learn as they mature and get help from a physiologist is to learn to bring themselves down from such a high level of anxiousness. Even the other day, she said the dog is the best thing that’s come into her life. They play and go for walks all the time. She still works hard at school but the dog gives her a life balance.

Thank you,

Mayo reader

“Shared ownership will start the

long slow journey to equality”

Dear Miriam,

The lady of 17 March (“Stuck in a marriage with a man who just sleeps, eats, farms and repeats) is married to a dictator who has no regard for equality. Yes, he works hard, yes, he’s a good farmer, but she works hard too and his family requires his support and love. In opening himself to the gift that is, he will feel less alone, less stressed and less responsible for avoiding the sky falling in.

Of course counselling is a good idea, but he won’t go unless he’s absolutely forced to. The only way to force the issue with someone like this is money and assets. She needs to make an appointment immediately with a solicitor and to start the process of transferring the farm into both names because this is the only way that he will start the learning curve of realising that my farm is actually our farm and that he must include his wife in major decisions affecting the future.

He will gradually learn that his farm and his family and his relationship with his wife are all interconnected and that it’s possible to greatly enrich his own life by linking them together so that there’s an overall plan with buy-in from all sides.

His wife wants to support him, to share the decision-making, to make joint plans for the expansion of the farm and to involve the family members where relevant. His days as a dictator are over. He probably never planned on becoming a dictator, but he has evolved into one because he’s in control of everything and everyone.

Shared ownership will start the long, slow journey to equality. Good luck!

Munster reader CL