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Dear Miriam,
The household I grew up in was well-to-do, well-respected and completely law-abiding. However, there was one glitch and that was a father who had a volatile temper, which meant the occasional beating as well as constant criticism about everything. I was the only one to be beaten in the family for reasons that are completely unknown to me.
The beatings were punches to the body and head so they left no visible marks and therefore nobody outside of the household knew anything was wrong. The final beating was when I was 15, and at 16 I decided never to marry or have kids because very simply I feared men. While I have never regretted this decision, I have often wondered would things have turned out differently had such beatings/criticism not occurred.
I’ve never discussed this with anybody until this letter to you. If any of your readers are violent to family members or know people who are then you need to get help – you should not stand idly by. If you are a kid in the same situation, contact someone you trust to get help.
West of Ireland Native
Dear West of Ireland Native,
Thank you for taking the brave step to write this letter, which I have referred to psychotherapist Harriet McGuigan, who has a lot of experience in supporting people in overcoming childhood trauma. Harriet writes:
“Both Miriam and I were so touched and also saddened by your beautiful letter. I am truly sorry that you got punched on occasions by your father as a result of his volatile temper. I’m sorry that people around you saw what was going on and stayed silent. Surviving through constant criticism about everything as a child and teenager does not serve us very well as humans. It tends to take away any solace we should feel coming from our ‘well-respected’ household. The beatings were not okay and while it happened and continues to happen, it is far from the good enough way for any of us to begin life’s journey.
“It makes sense to me that you made a decision at 16 to never marry/have kids, given your fear of your father. As a therapist who works with many adults, children and teens who have been left with many deep scars from their childhood, what I will say is this: the beatings/criticisms were never your fault. Your father was deeply struggling within himself. Being the punch bag for ‘struggling’ parents, friends or family members is not what you were put here on earth to be.
“Here’s a thought – sometimes when a child is light-filled, curious and full of excitement for life, this can trigger a deep pain within a person who is in a heavy, hopeless place. If they are not getting enough of their own support or came from deep unresolved trauma themselves, they can want to ‘attack’ the good. Almost like they don’t believe there is any good in the world so they try to destroy it. The ‘it’ unfortunately being you.
“I believe you, and I encourage you to seek whatever supports would be helpful. Therapy is not for everyone, but can be extremely beneficial to help us lessen our fear of men and women in the world after a childhood of abuse. Sometimes the support can be volunteering – writing about issues we are passionate about and finding a way to make peace with our past so that we are not dragging it around like a pack of rotten potatoes. People do this through therapy, meditation, poetry, music, drama, exercise, gardening, sewing etc. In my opinion, one never really gets ‘over’ childhood abuse. However, one can learn to adjust to life and hold compassion for the wounds of the past. Sometimes out of the deepest pain appears the most beautiful of souls. I sense you could be one of these.
“If you are a reader, I recommend you pick up a copy of The Choice by Dr Edith Eger. This lady knows what she is talking about in relation to surviving trauma.
“If any reader is struggling with their temper or knows people who are, we gently encourage you to get support. If you are a kid in the same situation as this reader was, we urge you to contact someone you trust to get the help you deserve.”
Harriet Mc Guigan is a psychotherapist in Castlemaine, Co Kerry. She speaks to groups (from two to 92) and also works online with clients. Call 086-2685916 or visit www.harrietmcguigan.com
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